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  • Junior Owens
    11

    Junior Owens lives inside a protective force field of sarcasm.  Unfortunately said force field does not take the place of wearing rubbers, which he had to learn the hard way.

  • Haphestus Foster
    12

    Haphestus Foster threw away the tiny vestige of credibility he had as a reporter and photographer with the Stars and Stripes newspaper to waste untold thousands of dollars on a screenwriting degree at USC, where he literally pays people to tell him his work sucks. He has a deep knowledge of cheeses and has been to Antarctica.

  • SPLOOGED
    WOMEN OF AMATEUR PORN, WE SALUTE YOU
    25 March 2009 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Karolina Bajda
    Porn is the one field where no one wants to see a professional anymore...
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    THE ROAD TO 2012
    14 December 2009 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Jordan Monsell
    Who wins when humanity is destroyed? Twice?
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    HOW BIG SUMMER MOVIES GET MADE
    12 August 2009 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Jordan Monsell
    I see your Transformers, and raise you a GI Joe.
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    ANGRY, ANGRY HIPPOS
    05 June 2009 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Doug Chang
    Ridley Scott is making a Monopoly movie. What other board game adaptations are headed our way?
  • POLITICALLY ERECT
    SEDUCED BY THE BARACUDA
    29 September 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Roxie Vizcarra
    Sarah Palin erotica will never get old.
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    A MATRIX OF MATRIXES
    08 July 2009 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: J.R. Baldwin
    Relax. If it involved math, we wouldn’t have posted it.
  • SPLOOGED
    WHAT TO DO ABOUT THIS UNEXPECTED ERECTION
    03 December 2009 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Sean Metcalf
    Life is full of decisions...
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    BE REMEMBERED: WEAR AN EYE PATCH
    17 April 2009 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: lafaette
    It's not easy to get noticed in this town.
  • THUG LIFE
    UNDERSTAND YOUR FANATICS
    18 September 2009 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: J.R. Baldwin
    Or they will firebomb your school.
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    INSTANT MORON-MAKER
    16 March 2009 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Philip Elliott
    Baby, you are about to get stupid.
  • ALL FOR ROFL
    MY GIRLFRIEND FOUND MY NERD PORN STASH
    25 February 2010 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Liva Rutmane
    She had no idea the kind of shit I'm into.
  • LIVING THE DREAM
    LIFE AFTER FILM SCHOOL
    23 February 2009 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Elif Sanem Karakoc
    In an economy cockslapped by the economy, it’s hard to tell your parents what an MFA in film is worth.
  • LIVING THE DREAM
    YOU’LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN
    24 August 2009 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Tamas Olejnik
    Unless you get another job.
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    THE PICKUP ARTIST
    30 April 2009 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Larry Brunt
    The car that doesn’t get chicks, but is involved in a lot of favors.
  • SPLOOGED
    THERE’S NO POLITE WAY TO GET THIS OUT OF MY MOUTH
    20 May 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Dmitry Mazilo
    Oh, that's a surprise. Living in L.A., land of meticulous physical upkeep, botox and bikinis, I didn't quite expect such a... 70s decor here underneath your panties. Well, no use thinking about it, I'll just dive in and...
  • LIVING THE DREAM
    EVERYBODY WRITES
    03 November 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Andreea Anghel
    My dental appointment turns into a screenplay pitch.
  • SPLOOGED
    WHY CAN’T THE HOT LESBIANS GET MARRIED?
    14 July 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Karolina Brudzińska
    The news is ruining my special time.
  • SPLOOGED
    THE LOST BOYS
    10 September 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Emir Ozsahin
    Your body creates tiny, living creatures. Pray they don’t find you…
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    REJECTED TITLES FOR THE NEW JAMES BOND FILM
    20 November 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Sean Metcalf
    When did action movies turn into Faulkner novels?
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    BEST. UNCLE. EVER.
    24 December 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Markus Rutledge
    The art of holiday giving, L.A. style
  • HIP TODAY GONE TOMORROW
    CLINT EASTWOOD NOTICES YOUR GIANT EAR HOLE
    27 October 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Sean Metcalf
    And he's angry.
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    JOHN TRAVOLTA - MODERN DAY SAMSON?
    08 March 2010 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: David Hwang
    The talent is in the hair.
  • POLITICALLY ERECT
    THE ECONOMY IS A WOMAN
    18 March 2009 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Emma Mount
    The Government as Barry White. An attempt to stimulate
  • ALL FOR ROFL
    STOP PROVING MY STUPIDITY, FACEBOOK
    11 July 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Bunga An Nisaa
    It's bad enough you've already proved I don't have any friends, but now with these logic and word games you've shown that I am no brighter than some 13-year-old glee-club member from Catsack, Montana.
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    YOUR TESTICLES MAKE ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER
    29 May 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Stephen Pierce
    Seeking solace in a dancing beefcake's leather crotch...
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    MICHAEL JACKSON WAS RIGHT
    28 July 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Mister Unlucky
    The benefits of a silk surgical mask go beyond sparing the public a view of your distorted, hideous face, it also helps block that most dangerous of poisons: L.A. smog
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    MASSIVE WEENIES
    09 July 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Adam Hendershott
    Men have lost grip of society. It is locked between Sarah Jessica Parker's knees, and it is time to wrench it back.
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    HOLLYWOOD FACIAL HAIR
    06 May 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Bryce Corkins
    In a land where your appearance can make up about 80 percent of your net worth, its not your mouth that does the talking, it’s the follicle-laden area around it that speaks for you.
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    VOICE MAIL DEBAUCHERY
    02 March 2009 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Maggie Leadman
    “Hi, this is Bob. I’m giving head to a chimp right now…”
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    FILM THEORY: THE PYRAMID SCHEME OF FILM SCHOOL
    28 August 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Alex McKee
    There is no Goddamn deeper meaning to Beerfest.
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    NO ONE COUGHS WHEN THEY VOMIT
    24 July 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Darlene Smith
    So stop doing it in movies.
  • LIVING THE DREAM
    THE TALENT NEVER PAYS
    06 January 2009 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Brian Rawson
    Nor does it receive any money. It does, however get a bigger ego.
  • POLITICALLY ERECT
    TRUE MEASURE OF SOCIAL CHANGE
    21 November 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Andrea Zuill
    I’ll believe in progress when I, Charlie Running Crow, get a goddamn break
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    HOLLYWOOD’S DECISION MAKERS
    05 August 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Tamara Beatrycze Rotten
    Slightly older than Miley Cyrus, probably a fan of her music – that’s who decides whether your movie gets made.
  • LIVING THE DREAM
    LIE OFF THE BALLS SHE GAVE YOU
    23 April 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Micael Póvoa
    Your poor mother doesn't need to know what your job as an assistant really entails.
  • LIVING THE DREAM
    THESE CARDBOARD BOXES SMELL LIKE FAILURE
    14 May 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Jochem Van Wetten
    I’m stacking furniture and re-arranging boxes of old scripts and movie posters in a place so depressing I want to forget that I’m nearly 30 and, at one time, had a promising career and a sense of dignity.
  • LIVING THE DREAM
    I, DREAM CRUSHER
    31 July 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: welsix
    Tossing your life's work into the garbage.
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    CART POWER
    12 December 2008 / Writer: Haphestus Foster / Artist: Emir Ozsahin
    Up yours, Bruckheimer! I’m driving here.
  • Alexandra Wayne
    13

    Alexandra is a screenwriter living in Los Angeles, which means she spends most of her time reading and writing coverage for your scripts. She asks that you please stop writing thinly veiled rehashings of your teenage angst disguised as screenplays about vampires.

  • Alex D. Reid
    14

    Alex D. Reid flosses every night and likes reading about serial killers.  Contact him here.

  • Jack McCready
    15

    Jack likes beer, Heavy Metal, and weird porn – usually in that order. He is a part time actor and a mediocre screenwriter. Most days (and nights) he feels like a two dollar whore on nickel night – and likes it.

     

  • Mark Harris
    16

    Mark Harris is the token black guy and is good at it. After all, he's been the token black guy writing for websites like PopMatters, About.com, Napster, and even his own site, BlackHorrorMovies.com. So, don't any of you ambitious Negroes get any ideas about invading his turf; there can be only one.

  • Jon Sullivan
    17

    Jon Sullivan recently moved from Arkansas, and now lives with a family of sea lions in a cave on the Oregon coast. The cave is cold and dark, the smell is dreadful, and the noise of reverberated barking is blaring and constant. Still beats living in the South.

  • S.H. Blannelberry
    18

    Born on the 4th of July, S.H. Blannelberry was once a swinger of birches.  Until the forest burned down.  And, although his Fireworks Display Operator Certification has been unceremoniously revoked following the accident, he still retains his manhood (in a glass jar, on his nightstand). 

  • Matt Manser
    19

    Matt Manser is a writer/comedian based in Los Angeles.  He is the head writer for "Big News," a weekly topical sketch show at IO West, writes sketches for shows at the UCB Theater, and writes videos for UCBComedy.com.  Oh, and he has also written for CMT's "Trick My Truck."

  • Hulga West
    20

    Hulga West is an enigma wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in a burrito. She was once employed filling test tubes with DNA from rat testicles. And she liked it.