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  • Junior Owens
    11

    Junior Owens lives inside a protective force field of sarcasm.  Unfortunately said force field does not take the place of wearing rubbers, which he had to learn the hard way.

  • Haphestus Foster
    12

    Haphestus Foster threw away the tiny vestige of credibility he had as a reporter and photographer with the Stars and Stripes newspaper to waste untold thousands of dollars on a screenwriting degree at USC, where he literally pays people to tell him his work sucks. He has a deep knowledge of cheeses and has been to Antarctica.

  • Alexandra Wayne
    13

    Alexandra is a screenwriter living in Los Angeles, which means she spends most of her time reading and writing coverage for your scripts. She asks that you please stop writing thinly veiled rehashings of your teenage angst disguised as screenplays about vampires.

  • Alex D. Reid
    14

    Alex D. Reid flosses every night and likes reading about serial killers.  Contact him here.

  • Jack McCready
    15

    Jack likes beer, Heavy Metal, and weird porn – usually in that order. He is a part time actor and a mediocre screenwriter. Most days (and nights) he feels like a two dollar whore on nickel night – and likes it.

     

  • Jon Sullivan
    16

    Jon Sullivan recently moved from Arkansas, and now lives with a family of sea lions in a cave on the Oregon coast. The cave is cold and dark, the smell is dreadful, and the noise of reverberated barking is blaring and constant. Still beats living in the South.

  • Mark Harris
    17

    Mark Harris is the token black guy and is good at it. After all, he's been the token black guy writing for websites like PopMatters, About.com, Napster, and even his own site, BlackHorrorMovies.com. So, don't any of you ambitious Negroes get any ideas about invading his turf; there can be only one.

  • POLITICALLY ERECT
    BLACK PEOPLE ARE NOW “THE MAN”
    21 May 2009 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Zero
    Stick it to Me.
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    AFI’S TOP 10 CELEBRITY SEX TAPES
    07 August 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Gustavo Cisneros
    This is one meaningless movie countdown I'd watch.
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    THIS IS SO NOT THE JETSONS
    07 November 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: James Debenham
    I must say, I'm disappointed, 21st Century.
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    INSTANT LEGITIMACY WITH VIDEO CAMERAS
    26 August 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Peter Dean Rickards
    Video may have killed the radio star, but it's created a butt-load of new stars to take his place.
  • SPLOOGED
    THE HORNIEST GUY I KNOW
    30 May 2009 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Aleksandra Loska
    He'll hold it against you.
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    UNEMPLOYED IN LA
    09 December 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Roxie Vizcarra
    Who needs a job with such nice weather?
  • SPLOOGED
    WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF PORN
    04 August 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Sarah Dvojack
    The San Fernando Valley is the porn capital of the world. So, why doesn't it act like it?
  • LIVING THE DREAM
    MY FAT DOPPELGANGER
    15 April 2009 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Valentine Gallardo
    There's probably a tubby version of you walking around out there.
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    PLEASE DON’T DIE, AMY WINEHOUSE
    16 September 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Sean Metcalf
    I don't want to see you to be martyred, like Jeff Buckley or Tupac.
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    RECYCLING SUCKS
    08 September 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: David Futcher (bobbo)
    Saving the planet is annoying.
  • MADATOMS PERSONALS
    THE INDIGNITIES OF MONOGAMY
    07 October 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Karolina Bajda
    My balls are around here somewhere...
  • ALL FOR ROFL
    SIGNS THAT YOUR MEME IS DEAD
    23 July 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Hershel Self
    It appears in a Weezer video...
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    ASSHOLES MAKE THE WORLD GO ROUND
    01 April 2009 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: andi3olotic
    Have you hugged an asshole today?
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    CELEBRITY RETARDATION
    28 May 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Mister Unlucky
    Stardom is the lead poisoning in the water fountain of show business.
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    MUSIC THAT SHOULDN’T BE BLASTED IN YOUR CAR
    29 September 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Adam Hendershott
    Keep the Maroon 5 to yourself.
  • THUG LIFE
    NEVER TRUST A SHIRTLESS MAN
    06 March 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Matthias Busch
    And other lessons learned from a downtown LA male crack whore...
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    THE PANACEA OF VEGETARIANISM
    14 November 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: András Jókúti
    Rub this broccoli on your scrotum and call me in the morning.
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    I WAS NEARLY SHANKED IN CIRCUIT CITY
    31 March 2009 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Marek Haiduk
    Buyer beware.
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    PLEASE STOP DRESSING LIKE A PIMP FOR HALLOWEEN
    28 October 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Julia Arielle
    You look like a douche.
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    DIGITAL KILLED THE VIDEO STAR
    20 October 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Piotr Kozłowski
    Who needs actors when you have programmers?
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    UNRATED FOR YOUR VIEWING DISPLEASURE
    06 October 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Ted Sabarese
    Can I un-watch unrated DVDs?
  • LIVING THE DREAM
    I WAS A TEENAGE LAUGH WHORE
    15 August 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Duygu Musveddesi
    I've done some ugly things with my mouth that I'm not proud of...
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    ACCEPTABLE REASONS TO BE LATE FOR WORK
    29 April 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Gabby Hahiashvili
    Because everyone has to fight the traffic.
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    HOW TO MAN UP WHILE WALKING TEACUP YORKIES
    13 August 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Constanza Hwang
    Think you're man enough to walk a tiny dog? Think again.
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    TATTOO FORTUNE TELLING
    16 April 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Laura Leinbach
    That Tasmanian Devil on your bicep is like a mirror into your soul...
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    HOW TO BE BLACK IN THE VALLEY
    21 February 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Evert van Rossum
    It's tricker than it sounds.
  • ALL FOR ROFL
    THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS: DIABLO CODY VERSION
    21 May 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Hillel Aron
    Izzabe Lizzincoln was one dope home skillet.
  • POLITICALLY ERECT
    BARACK OBAMA HAS MADE ME KIND OF RACIST
    11 March 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Edwin Servaas
    I never had a problem with Mexicans until the elections made me realize how much they really don't want a black president. Who knew?
  • LIVING THE DREAM
    I WAS ONCE A VICE PRESIDENT
    04 March 2009 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Antiquarian
    It was all downhill from there.
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    HE’S SO STRAIGHT, HE’S GAY
    01 May 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Le-Croix
    It's official: hyper-machismo is the new gay.
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    THE CHURCH OF DISNEY
    03 July 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Raminta E.
    We all know that Disney has its hands in everything, but church? Heed this cautionary tale before you think about entering a house of worship.
  • LA SURVIVAL GUIDE
    PEDESTRIANS: LA’S PANSIES
    17 September 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Aquiel
    If Los Angeles ever gets another football team, they should name it the LA Jaywalkers, because nothing embodies the city's pompous sense of self-worth more than these footed freaks.
  • POLITICALLY ERECT
    BLACKNESS TIPS FOR BARACK OBAMA
    25 April 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Caresse Haaser
    Let's face it, Obama could be blacker...
  • POLITICALLY ERECT
    BARACK OBAMA: AMERICA’S BLACK FRIEND
    28 August 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Schwa
    With Obama in the White House, America as a whole can claim one black friend.
  • POLITICALLY ERECT
    BARACKSPLOITATION
    27 June 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Edwin Servaas
    Barack Obama could be the next Ronald Reagan.
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    9021-OH LAWDY!
    22 September 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Edwin Servaas
    The only thing black in Beverly Hills is the heroin.
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    INTERVIEW WITH THE BLACK GUY
    14 July 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Derek Erdman
    You've seen him in every horror movie since 1984: the black guy who hangs out with a group of white people he has nothing in common with, whose only purpose is to die first.
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    NATIVE AMERICANS’ RESPONSE TO NCAA
    05 March 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Kimball Davis
    Native Americans have been protesting offensive "Indian" sports team names for years now with little success, so they've quietly begun to retaliate by proposing new mascots for various colleges.
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    I’M NOT A RAPPER, BUT I LOOK LIKE ONE ON TV
    08 July 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Nil Ultra
    Being a black celebrity on trial makes you a rapper.
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    ASK A BLACK DUDE: RACIAL SENSITIVITY FOR STUDIOS
    09 September 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Alexandre Costa
    Cultural sensitivity can be as easy as asking one of "you people."
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    PITCHING WOO
    18 August 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: Skirmantë Gudavièiûtë
    Puttin' the moves on a lady, Hollywood-style.
  • DEVELOPMENT HELL
    WHO TO KILL AT THE PRODUCTION OFFICE
    19 August 2008 / Writer: Mark Harris / Artist: András Jókúti
    Why let Postal Service employees have all the fun?
  • S.H. Blannelberry
    18

    Born on the 4th of July, S.H. Blannelberry was once a swinger of birches.  Until the forest burned down.  And, although his Fireworks Display Operator Certification has been unceremoniously revoked following the accident, he still retains his manhood (in a glass jar, on his nightstand). 

  • Matt Manser
    19

    Matt Manser is a writer/comedian based in Los Angeles.  He is the head writer for "Big News," a weekly topical sketch show at IO West, writes sketches for shows at the UCB Theater, and writes videos for UCBComedy.com.  Oh, and he has also written for CMT's "Trick My Truck."

  • Hulga West
    20

    Hulga West is an enigma wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in a burrito. She was once employed filling test tubes with DNA from rat testicles. And she liked it.