http://www.madatoms.com/themes/cp_global_images/rss_icon.png http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/ http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/ en houghtonmatthew@gmail.com Copyright 2012 2012-05-16T15:25:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/alternative-ways-to-get-high/ 2012-05-16T15:25:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/the-life-of-an-internet-meme/ 2012-05-15T15:16:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/the-looks-or-personality-debate/ Inarguably the most pressing and important debate of present mankind is the age-old question, “what is more important in a partner, looks or personality?” No matter where you look, valuable knowledge-producing institutions like Cosmopolitan, Sex & The City or Yahoo Answers all have diverse and sometimes contradicting responses to such a prompt. In favor of personality, one may suggest the query is analogous with car purchases – “Sure, a Ferrari may look good at first, but it’s the Honda that will last!” – casually suggesting that mildly unattractive yet charismatic and interesting people are about as useful as spare coffee holders and complimentary OnStar. Conversely, it could be argued that without sexual attraction, long-term relationships are doomed to fail, because there’s absolutely no such thing as a marriage without frequent and exhilarating sex. While both brilliantly compelling arguments, my issue lies instead with the question itself, as it poses a false-dichotomy. It is my contention that in fact neither of the options are at all important to a relationship. Having a “good personality” is obviously and entirely subjective. While it may seem impossible to imagine appreciating a given personality, there is no doubt that others may find such a personality enjoyable, as is evident by, say, the extensive talk-show career of Dennis Miller, or the mere fact that your redneck brother-in-law has a girlfriend, albeit a heroin-addicted one. 2012-05-09T11:25:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/darkside-of-oz-sucks/ Are you a young upstart stoner sick and tired of Half Baked and Freaks and Geeks re-runs? How about a middle-aged professional going through a mid-life crisis involving a trip to Burning Man and a few borrowed library books on Neo-Paganism? Or maybe even an arthritic senior citizen abandoning Bridge in favor of a late-life exploration of the culture which surrounds your newly prescribed medication? Whatever the case, an investment in marijuana culture will no doubt eventually lead you to a fundamental stoner phenomenon known as The Darkside of Oz. For the ignorant, Darkside of Oz refers to the end product resulting from silently playing The Wizard of Oz while looping Pink Floyd’s Darkside of the Moon over it. Not only are both elements trippy on their own, but many coincidental match-ups throughout add to the mind-fuckingness – of which I will detail later. In many urban cities, one can generally find an indie theatre which hosts the event once a month or so, and in the case of my home town, allowed you to smoke pot in the theatre. And as a now-retired veteran stoner, I’m here to tell you: don’t go. Firstly, the actual presentation is painfully boring on its own. Add to that being stoned out of your mind, and it's unbearable.    2012-05-07T11:23:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/an-evaluation-of-famous-unibrows/ 2012-05-04T13:50:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/circlejerks-vs-poetry-readings/ 2012-05-03T15:01:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/the-benefits-of-being-a-hoarder/ 2012-05-01T14:54:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/the-anti-gay-day-planner/ Do you hate gays? Are you annoyed your rigid wife won’t let you do anal, while those dirty sinners get to do it every day? Don’t let the changing tides of liberal America get you down. Embrace your bigotry, and celebrate it, by spending a full day doing it up anti-gay! 8:00am: Breakfast at the Cracker Barrel You’ll have to drive to the outskirts to find a community hick enough to support a Cracker Barrel, but it’s worth it! In 1991, an inside memo called for Cracker employees to be fired if they seemed too festive. They understand real Americans don’t want the prospects of shoving hot sausage down their throats to be ruined by anything gay. 9:00am: Get Your Oil Changed at Auto Zone Auto Zone refuses to extend benefits to domestic partners, because they know that lube should only be used to keep your Ford F150 running. And if your wife lets you do anal. 10:00am Clothes Shopping at Urban Outfitters! You’re a cool bigot, so express yourself with ironic hipster t-shirts! There’s no pro-homo slant here, like those queers at American Apparel. Urban pulled gay marriage shirts in 2008. Even though their catalog did feature a recent lesbian kiss, everyone’s on board with lesbians. We know they’re just lonely women waiting for the right guy to fuck them. 2012-04-30T13:15:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/g20-summits-vs-my-super-sweet-16/ 2012-04-25T14:29:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/learning-from-female-friendly-porn/ I was always warned at a young age never to assume that the sex depicted in pornography was similar to real-life sex, nor what women expected or even wanted. I never totally bought this story – what women wouldn’t want three massive simultaneous loads blasted directly into her eyes? – and placed it in the same category as sentiments like, “it’s not the size, but how you use it!” and, “most men only last two minutes, don’t feel bad!” Following this advice, however, I would rate my sex life up to this point as not a complete failure. Of course, this rating isn’t ideal: many might argue that the whole War on Terror thing was a complete failure, but they’re really only kidding themselves in order to feel better. In the interest of improving my sex life in future, I have come to following conclusion: if pornography for men depicts sex which women do not want or expect, then pornography for women must depict sex which women absolutely want and expect. And thus, I turn to various free porn sites in search of “Female Friendly” categories in order to paint a picture of ideal sex which I then can replicate for my future sexual conquests. It’s fool proof. First and foremost: a huge amount of it is girl-on-girl. I chalk this up to the fact that most male porn stars look like more muscle-y and rape-y versions of a Hanson Brother circa 1999, and that by eliminating the dick, there’s more emphasis on that whole “female pleasure” thing, or whatever.  2012-04-20T16:40:01-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/the-realities-of-potlucks/ 2012-04-19T14:15:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/how-were-falsely-asserting-our-masculinity/ 2012-04-18T15:18:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/after-hours-party-timeline/ 2012-04-17T14:29:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/lessons-learned-from-being-mugged/ The bulk of my early teen years were spent locating secluded inner-city locations and then proceeding to get facefuckingly stoned in them. No doubt, this led me to alleyways, underneath bridges, rooftops, ravines, abandoned buildings and so on. Compounded with the fact that I frequented one of the most notorious marijuana hotbeds of my home city – my “arts” high school” – and looked like a pre-pubescent prototypical pothead (complete with dreadlocks, hackey-sack, Hawaiian shirts and all), it will come as no surprise that I was a prime target for casual robbery. To count the number of times I was directly or indirectly mugged would be both disheartening and too large a number for my past stoner self to comprehend, but suffice to say it was probably more than you. As such, I feel I’m best qualified to pass down several lessons learned to future generations of nubile drug users. Learn To Read Signs Early Not like if someone is wearing a hoodie or is Black or any of that other shit: that stuff is obvious – just ask George Zimmerman. No, I mean determining quickly if your conversation is actually a mugging conversation. For instance, while an innocent bum may ask, “You have any spare change?” the very similar question, “You got any money on you?” suggests something very different.  2012-04-16T09:24:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/the-realities-of-love-at-first-sight/ 2012-04-13T14:33:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/new-york-city-residents-vs-tourists/ 2012-04-11T14:19:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/when-your-boss-is-on-the-lam/ This story is true. Some of the details have been changed to protect…me. I’m scared. After a year of racking up credit card debt, the time had come for me to get a real job. Through a friend of a friend, I heard about a gig doing shipping for a website that sold candles designed to affect moods. The candles that were supposed to make a person more social, or respect you, but mostly make you want to fuck. It sounded a little shady. And it was. The office was housed in a run-down Hollywood building that was never without a mysterious black van parked outside. I spent the day printing out orders, packaging them safely in bright green bubble wrap, and shipping candles out to sad men and women willing to shell out money for anything that could possibly get them laid. Yet the longer I worked there, the more questions that arose. Why was I paid through PayPal? Why did the business have 5 different names? And who was this woman named Harmony who was owned the company but only communicated to us through iChat? My co-workers advised me that Harmony hadn’t been seen in months. 2012-04-10T16:09:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/staying-in-excuse-translator/ 2012-04-06T09:17:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/girls-dont-fart-needs-to-stop/ Allow me to indulge in what is arguably one of my most immature discussions to date: the great “girls don’t fart” debate. This debate, of course, is not whether or not girls actually fart, but instead, whether it is to be openly acknowledged or hidden. The reason for hiding such a natural process comes from the expectation for women to be dainty and perfect, and the proceeding expectation from men that this is standard be lived up to. While the whole discussion is no doubt entirely inconsequential, for argument’s sake, I intend to take the matter seriously. It is my assertion that the sentiment “Girl’s Don’t Fart” need be done away with, not simply because it represents unfair standards placed upon women, but more so due to reasons perhaps not previously considered by proponents of such a sentiment. Firstly, it’s simply not true. Girls do farts. This is, unfortunate as it may be, an empirical fact. A big fear of girls farting is that it in turn suggests that girls poo. This too is an unfortunate reality. And as if these two shattering actualities are not enough, here’s a third: when you fuck girls in the ass, you sometimes get shit on your dick. No, unlike the porn stars you so lovingly fawn over, not every girl has had a firehose of mint-scented alcohol blasted up her butthole before you jam your dick into it. It’s tough, but that’s life. 2012-04-04T09:19:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/creationist-character-breakdown/ 2012-04-02T12:53:00-08:00