http://www.madatoms.com/themes/cp_global_images/rss_icon.png http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/ http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/ en webmaster@madatoms.com Copyright 2010 2010-03-10T12:15:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/know-your-right-wingers/ 2010-03-10T12:15:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/your-weird-sex-faces-ruined-it/ I’m a sex-on-the-morning-of-the-second-date kind of gal. (Unusual, but those are my methods.) But Matthew was special. I really liked him, and the best thing to do with people you really like is refuse to have sex with them. I rejected Matthew’s advances for more dates than I’ve ever waited before. (Five.) The anticipation was killing us both, and finally, after one night of heavy drinking, I decided enough was enough. I threw him down on the bed and we ripped each other’s clothes off. His body? Pretty nice. Penis size? Perfecto. Good kisser? No problems there. BUT. He had some of the weirdest, most bizarre sex faces I had ever seen, both in my personal experiences and in the porn I’ve watched. As I rode him, he would contort his facial expressions so grotesquely that he looked like a mime choking on a large piece of steak. Or one of those Halloween-themed amusement park cast members in horrifying masks that run up and scare people. Except naked, and touching my boob. If his facial epilepsy were only during climax, I could let it go. I mean, no one looks glamorous while busting a nut.  2010-03-09T10:28:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/the-john-travolta-hair-guide/ 2010-03-08T13:58:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/does-anusdrill-mean-im-old/ Getting old is terrifying. Not physically old, though that’s lousy in its own way. No, I mean the even more terrifying prospect of becoming culturally old. Nothing is scarier than that.  I always knew the event horizon lay somewhere in your late twenties. Don't trust anyone over thirty, right? But I thought I was still safe. I hadn't shown any of the symptoms yet, like thinking the rock music teens listen to is just "noise." I think the rock music teens listen to currently is lame, pussy shit. What I consider good comedy is considered hip. I don’t think movies were inherently better when I was younger.  I'm with it enough to know what the Rock Band Network is (it allows you to upload a song you composed to be downloaded by others), but when RBN released its list of naughty words they would not allow in uploaded songs I was met with a rude awakening. While perusing and snickering juvenilely at the list, like a still hip young dude such as myself would, I came across it and I froze...   Anusdrill.   What the hell is an anusdrill? Is that even how to use it in a sentence?! An anusdrill? Or is anusdrill a verb? And that was just the top of the list! There were more! 2010-03-05T11:00:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/ways-to-make-flying-fun/ 2010-03-04T14:26:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/pretentious-hats-reference-manual/ 2010-03-03T09:40:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/letters-to-my-sponsor-child/ Dear Esteban, It's nice to meet you! I'm super excited to be your foster parent with Children International. Everyone agrees that I have the cutest adopt-a-kid, cuter than the ones in the commercial even.I can see by your age that you should be in the fifth grade. I hated that year because of the Presidential Physical Fitness Challenge. Do you have that in Guatemala? Or do they call it El Generalissimo's Fitness Challenge? Just kidding. You must have coups all the time, though. Have you ever seen a junta? So I'm sure you're wondering what I'm like. Well, I live in Los Angeles, and as you might have guessed from the enclosed autographed headshot, I’m an actor! I haven’t had my “big break” yet, but I have been getting some great exposure on my web series. By the way, Children International is a Christian charity, so if they try to teach you stuff about Jesus, just nod and go along with it. Nobody in America really believes in that stuff. Except maybe the Amish. They're kind of like you except that they live that way on purpose! I’m glad I can help you, Esteban. I guess I was just cursed with a big heart! People tell me I'm selfless, but when I help someone, I get so much in return. I guess that means I'm actually really selfish! But not really, though. Love, Uncle Bryce 2010-03-02T13:26:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/great-alcoholic-celebrity-capers/ 2010-03-01T11:38:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/video-game-speed-dating/ 2010-02-26T10:45:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/my-girlfriend-found-my-nerd-porn-stash/ It was like a perfect nightmare scenario. I came into my bedroom to find her standing there, the evidence strewn about her, undeniable proof of my dirty secret. I’d kept them hidden for so long, the things I shamefully stashed away and pleasured myself to when no one was around… but now here I was, busted red handed with it.  I tried to reason with her, suggesting we all have strange little turn-ons that are too weird to tell anyone about in the harsh light of day. But the sheer size and volume of my stash tipped the scales. So she just stood there, looking hurt and confused, two storage containers vomiting all their profane material all over the floor: the complete Lord of the Rings DVD trilogy, a stack of Wolverine comics a foot high, a detailed bust of Iron Man with light-up eyes. And staring up at her from the carpet, a pristine statuette of Han Solo, mid-blaster shot (and looking pretty magnificent, if I do say).  I love that statuette. Oh, the pleasure it has brought me over the years. But how could she understand, this woman with the Catholic upbringing and stodgy taste in fiction? She who had found the new Star Trek, “unrealistic,” and “pandering.” Unrealistic? She would never understand… but that didn’t make the look on her face any less humiliating – a mix of disgust and pity, mingled with disappointment.  2010-02-25T11:41:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/do-as-i-flow-not-as-i-roll/ 2010-02-24T10:48:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/we-must-stop-defaming-dick-sucking/ Dear dudes,  Why is it that when something bad happens we say, "That sucks dick."? Or when somebody is bad at something we say, "He sucks dick at ____."?  There is also the "This blows" variation, which, while it leaves out the word "dick," is nonetheless referring to the same thing. Guys do this the most. I do it myself daily. But no more!  Fellow males, we gotta stop painting dick sucking in such a negative light. It's counterproductive to what we all want. Our dicks sucked.   We routinely get pissed off and scream “Suck my dick!” at people. Yet we never scream “Have sex with me!” or “Nibble on my neck!” (Though that would be hilarious.) Lousy subtext here, guys. If I were an alien visitor, witnessing an average barroom screaming match, I’d logically assume that in Earth culture there was absolutely nothing worse than having to put a penis in your mouth. Sure, as a heterosexual male this idea doesn’t sit well with me, but why generate such hate around the action? I don’t want to kiss dudes either, yet I never scream “Kiss me!” to my adversaries or say “I just saw Transformers 2, man that movie totally made out with me.”  And the problem here is quickly evolving. 2010-02-23T11:14:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/2010-fairy-tale-endings/ 2010-02-22T12:56:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/a-modern-history-of-total-bastards/ 2010-02-19T11:35:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/so-youve-decided-to-drink-and-drive/ DO remember the basics. When I was in college, I got into a fight with my girlfriend. When she left, I decided to follow her so that I could continue to scream. I knew I was too drunk to drive, but I told myself that it was a short distance across campus and that I would be careful. I drove slowly, I came to complete stops, and I used my turn signal. I was only pulled over because I was doing all of these things on the wrong side of the road.    DO dress warmly. I can only speak for the drunk tank in Jefferson County, Indiana, but I think it's safe to say that most jails aren't known for being cozy. I spent the night curled up on a wooden bench shivering because it was after a party at my fraternity, and I was wearing a long-sleeved striped shirt, a swimsuit, and no shoes. My mugshot doesn't show the word DOUCHEBAG on my forehead, but it might as well.    DO perjure yourself effectively. When I showed up for my court date, I was one of a number of drug and alcohol-related offenders on trial, but I was the only one wearing a shirt and tie instead of an orange jumpsuit. The judge made it clear that he did not see any difference between me and them. He asked when the last time I drank was. The answer he wanted was "Not since I was arrested." The truthful answer was "I'm one month away from graduating college and I feel like I just ruined my life. I get drunk everyday." 2010-02-18T13:11:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/avatar-dances-with-wolves/ 2010-02-17T13:25:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/nickelodian-vs-the-olympics/ 2010-02-16T10:11:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/how-were-spending-valentines-day/ 2010-02-12T09:53:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/the-gods-of-modern-animation/ 2010-02-11T09:51:00-08:00 http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/a-child-called-semen/ If I should happen to meet you, perhaps at a party where we share a mutual friend, I’m likely to shake your hand, smile, and tell you that my name is “Ben Simon”. But that would be a lie. The reality is that there’s an “E” in that last name, and that my German descendants from long ago decided (with little regard to what pain it would cause future generations) that the last name “Siemon” would correctly be pronounced “Semen”.   And so the lie.  A lie told in the hopes that your first impression of me will be my charming smile, and not that I just essentially introduced myself as “Mr. Jizz”. In an ideal world, this last name should be a sign of virility and strength. Perhaps just as the last names “Smith” and “Baker” are said to come from generations of blacksmiths and pastry chefs, the same “Siemon” should be passed down from a lineage of people really good at getting people pregnant. A name to be respected, not to cause schoolyard snickers. But we don't live in an ideal world. I’m not sure what my parents were thinking when they named me Benjamin Joseph Siemon. “Benjamin” already invites such nickname classics as “Ben-Dover” (as in wanting to get butt sex). However, Benjamin when combined with Joseph and Siemon, results in the initials “B.S” or “B.J.” or strung all together: “B.J. Siemon” (which is a fine porn name indeed). 2010-02-10T10:07:00-08:00