Mad Atoms

Recently, there has been a change in my clandestine browsing habits that has oddly taken me away from the tall, leggy fishnet-wearing porn stars of my past to something new and different. Instead of the air-brushed bodies of perfection that have haunted my fantasies since about 1992, all of a sudden I am drawn to something else, something more doughy and pock-marked, clumsy and awkward, but nonetheless riveting: the Women of Amateur Porn (WOAP). Legions of wives and girlfriends from around the globe who, thanks to viciously vindictive or audaciously exhibitionist husbands and boyfriends, are now live to the world, cooing up to viewers from couches in cluttered living rooms and resort hotel beds.  

These women have distinct advantages over the traditional, card-carrying porn stars of old, which I have dutifully studied for a long time:

1. They look like women you might actually sleep with - I don’t know who is able to get fantastically attractive women to star in pornos, but they do such a good job that they can cast women who are so hot they would intimidate me in a bar. Not so, the WOAP, who looks like the hottest girlfriend you actually ever had; but much much dirtier.

2 – They call you “honey,” and mean it - These are women who looked at the dude holding the camera and saw a life partner they could forever trust with their most carnal desires. Ok, so they’re a bit gullible, but they mean it when they say, “baby.” 

3 – They’re clearly open to dating men with small dicks - So, there’s a confidence builder right there, big guy.

4 – No over-acting - How many times has your porn-watching experience been tarnished by an “actress” screaming at the top of her lungs with every bump and thrust? 

5 – They are likely single - Honestly, after their dipshit former partner put a video on the Web of them going down on him in a public park, they probably got back on the market… and you know they’re kinky.