Mad Atoms

Okay America (and by America I mean MASS CONSUMER America, not any of you enlightened souls reading this website) sometimes you do something so colossally stupid, so ridiculously dumb, so lacking in conscious thought, that I question our right to be a nation.   For every good thing you do – i.e. voting for Barack Obama – you do something equally, if not more, stupid – i.e. making “Fast and Furious” the number one movie. 

Do you have any idea what you have fucking done?  Do you?

Well, if you don’t, I will tell you. Because of you and your abysmal bad taste we now have another five years of SHITTY VIN DIESEL MOVIES TO SIT THROUGH! 

Vin Diesel was almost gone.  Done.  Fin.  Caput.  He was about to join his beefy action cohorts Jean Claude Van Damme and Steven Segal in the straight to DVD section of Blockbuster where he would have slowly faded away into $4.99 bargain bin obscurity.

But now, oh, now you better believe he’s back on top baby!  Ready to squeeze the heart, life, and humor out of any script he gets his bald, over muscled hands on.  Sure, the guy made two pretty good movies – “Pitch Black” and the first Fast and Furious movie, you know, the one called “THE fast and THE furious”.

Were they high art?  Hell no.  But they were fun popcorn fodder mostly because he didn’t have much to say in either film.  Then we were submitted to almost a decade of unwatchable crap:

“XxX” – I was actually excited about this movie. I thought  Vin was the new golden boy, ready to usher in a new generation of glorious action movies that would bring back the days of “Die Hard” and “Commando”.  Then I saw it and I hated it.  He was dull, boring and self-important (I do not want my action heroes to give two craps about the environment – I want my action heroes to blow shit up without any regard for the damn ozone layer).  Granted, I was high as a kite when I saw it, but that should have made it better.  Right?

“The Chronicles of Riddick” – He took a cool character in a low-budget space horror flick and turned him into some weird ass-kicking cosmic Jesus figure.  I understood not one second of this movie (maybe because I was once again unfathomably high – but I doubt it).

“The Pacifier” – Kids movie, I get it.  Still shitty.

“Find Me Guilty” – Vin Diesel with hair and a belly. Amazing how neither of those two additions did anything to improve his acting.

I couldn’t make it through the first ten minutes (this time I was drunk on PBR and in all reality passed out on the couch halfway into a big bag of Funions).

We were so close to having him gone after whatever movie it a was that came out last September.  So, very, very close.  Then bang!  “Fast and Furious” comes out and good ole Vin is the king of Hollywood again. So, next year when we all have to sit through “Genghis Kahn” written, directed and starring Vin Diesel – you will have no one to blame but yourself America.  Enjoy the suckage.

I am happy for Paul Walker though  but only because someone once told me I looked like his ugly brother.