Mad Atoms

When I heard gays were finally getting the right to marry in California, I, of course, had one singular thought at the good news: Free porn! Seriously, with all these ceremonies being held in public, I pictured a scene that, if filmed, could have had the title, "I do… Want to Lather You in Cooking Oil," or "Just Married II: Two Hot Teens," in which a pair of attractive chicks cement their relationship by exchanging rings – with their tongues.

This has not been the case.

I've been watching coverage of these lesbian weddings and all I can tell from the footage is that there are two types of lesbians in the world: Heavy-set librarians who have a thing for balding female truckers and aging grandmothers who show the emotional wear of 60 years of having to hide their affection for strap-ons. 

Wasn’t there anything but women with faces like pounded pavement and bodies by Pillsbury wrapping their dimpled arms around each other at the county courthouse, eyes closed in bliss. What gives? Why can’t the hot lesbians get married?

Perhaps we have made a mistake here. Instead of liberating a population of people from matrimonial inequality, we have ruined my special alone time with constant news footage. And I’ll never look at cooking oil the same way again. Damn.