Mad Atoms

I've been a member of an LA area gym for the last 5 years, and due to the nature of our great city it is consistently packed around the clock with fit, rippling, extremely attractive models and actors. They're toned, they're beautiful, they're motivated, you want to have sweaty gym sex with them on the elliptical machine. I, on the other hand, am a writer, which is a career path that actively rewards sloth. As a result I'm a little overweight and have grown to despise being physically active in a public setting. So the last thing I want to spend my afternoon doing is subjecting myself to a shameful mix of sweating, jiggling, and feeling like the "before" picture in an ad for a weight loss drug.

I need to find a gym for writers like me who have beer guts, unkempt facial hair, and less than perfect showering schedules. A place to do minimal work outs amongst my own kind, free of judgment. The heaviest free weight in the place would be the exact weight of a stack of 6 combo pizzas from Little Caesar's and the treadmills wouldn't go any faster than "hoofin' it." Instead of primetime network television and sporting events, the TVs would play Mr. Show and Curb Your Enthusiasm... you know, the only shows that have mattered in the last 10 years? And you wouldn't have to shamefully change into your "gym clothes" in the locker room in front of attractive people since the mandatory gym attire would be

wrinkled corduroy pants a mustard-stained t-shirt featuring a hilarious saying like "I’m up, I’m dressed, what more do you want?" And if you wanted to cancel your contract, which you wouldn’t, but if you did, they wouldn’t send out some statuesque guy named Chad to talk to you about all the free gym bags and towels they can give you if you stay. The gym for writers would would have a respectable director talk to you about your personal character arc. "You know Johnny, this gym thing has become your battle, your fight, your mountain to climb. I think we’re selling out your character to have him just give up here. I hear your concerns about not having enough time to come to this gym, but what if Rocky didn’t "have time" to train for his second fight with Apollo Creed? Or what if Oskar Schindler didn’t "have time" to help all the Polish Jews on his famous list? I think you know where I’m going with this Johnny."

Sure, the gym I just described sounds a lot like every writer’s room in town, so why pay a membership fee to go to a place that’s just like the office? Well, because saying the phrase "I can pick you up once I get back from the gym" to a woman makes it somewhat more likely that woman will want to have sweaty gym sex with you on an elliptical machine