Mad Atoms

After a dramatic win in the 2008 U.S. Open, Tiger Woods announced that he would be sitting out the rest of the season because of an injured left knee.

Which would be fine, if Tiger Woods played football, or tennis. But he doesn’t. He plays golf. You know, that game that you play when you retire from doing something that actually takes energy. That game that provides little carts to drive around in, because otherwise you’d have to walk a little. That game that was designed as something to do while swilling gin and bribing government officials.

Hurting your knee while playing golf is like breaking your toe while reaching for the remote control. I'm not saying it's impossible. But if you do it, you're kind of a pussy.

Tiger Woods isn’t just supposed to be good. He’s supposed to be the greatest. He’s the Michael Jordan, the Muhammad Ali. Those guys didn’t stop playing for anything. Ok, Jordan took a break to play baseball, and then do a bunch of other stuff, and Ali had a little time off after that whole draft thing. But they didn’t injure themselves playing golf.

My brother, who works for Fox Sports, claims that Tiger hurt his knee while running, but that golf does, in fact, put stress on your knee. This, of course, is typical of the right wing slant of Fox Sports. Everyone knows that Golf, Football, and Bowling are Republican sports, while Basketball and Soccer are Democratic. At any rate, I played Wii golf last night for two hours and my knee didn’t feel a thing, although I think I’m gonna have to keep my wrist in a sling for the next couple weeks.

All I’m saying is that this proves once and for all that Tiger Woods is not black. Injuring your knee while playing golf definitely sounds like an Asian thing.