Mad Atoms

I’ve been reading a lot of fairytales lately (four nieces and a nephew), and I’ve come to the realization that many of these classic stories, though cute on the surface level, are harboring horrible messages when you look at them logically. Here are a few well-known examples… 

Jack and the Beanstalk

Isn’t this story really about a moronic lowlife (Jack) who repeatedly robs a homeowner (the Giant) and then murders said homeowner when the homeowner tries to stop him? Maybe if the magic harp wanted to be rescued it would be different, but the harp tries to stop Jack. Our hero is an unlikable dipshit. He trades his poor family’s only cow for “magic” beans? Basically it’s the story of a guy who sells his parents’ car for drugs, then robs and murders their rich neighbor to get back the money.   

Rumpelstiltskin

A girl goes along with a lie her father tells the King about a skill she doesn’t have, then she subcontracts the work out to an ugly laborer with a goofy name who really does have that skill, and then she tries to screw over the ugly laborer when payment is due. Bragging, lying, taking advantage of “undesirables,” welshing on debts?

And Rumpelstiltskin is the villain? What’s the difference between this and a story about a white-trash dude who wants his daughter to marry some millionaire, so they pretend she’s an amazing cook by hiring a Mexican lady whose name they never bother to ask, then refuse to pay the lady what they promised, so she blackmails them unless they can figure out her name?

Sleeping Beauty

A girl lies in a coma, then a dude she’s never met before breaks in and kisses her, and when she wakes up she loves him for it? Come on. Cute on the surface level, sure, but isn’t the story just a fantasized glorification of sexual assault? Last time I checked if you try to make out with an unconscious girl you don’t know, your ass is getting arrested. Otherwise there’d be a lot fewer rape charges after frat parties. I mean, what if the prince in the story had felt her up too? Or tea-bagged her? Hey, he still got her out of the coma right? Hmm… is there already a porno called "Sleeping Booty?"