Mad Atoms

As soon I purchased my ticket for my first trip to New York my immediate thought was “How am I single handedly going to make fun of the biggest city in America?”

I decided I would rely on all New Yorkers’ innate inferiority complex they have with California. So I bought a tape recorder and was ready for some "investigative journalism."

I walked around for a while carefully considering each candidate when I saw the perfect target by a fountain near the MOMA on 53rd. A man of Italian decent (no doubt) dressed in normal attire except for the fact that he had all sorts of shit (crosses, skulls, roses) bedazzled and embroidered on his clothing and was wearing the biggest cross necklace I’d ever seen.

I slowly managed to get the courage and walk up to him and ask him if he would answer a few questions. I went through the whole rigmarole of posing as a reporter working for an LA ‘culture magazine.’ The nearby fountain was loud so I asked him to hold the recorder.

That was mistake #1...

I started off easy by asking him if he’s ever been to LA and he hadn’t. But I could tell this fine young gentleman had lots of intelligent opinions based on empirical evidence so I asked if he’s interested in going. He said no and cited his reason as Joe Torre ‘being a west coast bitch now’ and how annoyed he is with the green movement. I decided to press on the latter.

 Mistake #2...

 I noted how few Priuses I saw roaming around. This lead to a series of vicious attacks on Prius owners, mainly questioning their sexuality. I almost cracked when he said, “They need the good gas mileage because they’re probably driving all over blowing dicks.”

 Mistake #3...

“Do you have a favorite television show?” I asked with childlike glee in anticipation for his answer. The Sopranos. Of Course it is.

“I’m pretty sure James Gandolfini ‘drives a Prius’ if you get my drift,” gesturing a rib nudge with my elbow. After I explained further that I meant he was gay, he was in disbelief.

 Final Mistake...

“Yeah, pretty much all popular actors are gay, but they keep it a secret so they don’t scare the Midwest. In fact the whole place is run by ‘The Gays.’ Have you ever heard of the Gay Mafia? Those guys are in charge and only hire gay actors for the biggest roles. It’s sort of like how Scientology works.”

I could see the epiphany he was having in his facial expression. And now I was laughing so hard on the inside that I may as well have been on the outside. He finally realized what was going on, started cursing in only a way that a New Yorker could understand, and to my dismay turned towards the water fountain and slam-dunked my recorder.

He was going to “beat the fuck out of me” but said he was too busy. No chance for a picture unless I wanted my camera to suffer the same fate. I high-tailed it out of there just in case his schedule of loitering the a park bench 20 feet away loosened up. When I returned an hour later for my photo-op, the guido was gone and so was the recorder.