Mad Atoms

I used to have a good-paying job, supplemented with occasional paid script work.  Thanks to mortgage brokers and financial wizards over-leveraging themselves, I now have neither.  I went from making a very comfortable living to surviving on $475/week.  It’s hard to do, but by following these rules, you can stretch unemployment insurance into a crude parody of a lifestyle.

#1 FIND CHEAP EATS - Eating ramen, rice and beans, and lentils can save you cash.  But it also gets old real fast.  Most people don’t know that Ikea serves breakfast.  For $1.99, you can get powdered eggs, three pieces of bacon or two sausage patties, home fries, and three French Toast sticks.  And if you get there before 10am, you get free coffee.  Is it good?  Not really.  But the price is right.  On Mondays, Acapulco offers $2.50 Margaritas and a free “bocadita bar” (note: bocadita is apparently Spanish for “dookie”).  If you don’t mind eating weird Mexican egg rolls with chunks of carrot or cucumber salad with melon in it, it’s possible to get wasted and have dinner for $10.

#2 PARADOXICALLY, YOU CAN HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS - When you’re working some crappy job, you often think of all the great things you’d do if you had more free time.  The hidden bitch of unemployment is that you’ve got free time coming out of your ass.

After watching TV on Hulu, masturbating, playing video games, and then masturbating again, there’s still several hours in the day to fill. I find it best to give myself goals.  Instead of just driving to Ikea for my $1.99 breakfast, I’ll walk there.Sure, it’s about an hour and change each way, but that can occupy my entire morning.  I can even stretch it out by stopping at Barnes and Noble afterward and reading an entire book for free (Jewish!).

#3 FIND SOME WAY TO SPEND LESS TIME WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND - If your live-in girlfriend is also unemployed (or a grad student, which is pretty much the same thing, except instead of not making any money, she’s spending money not to work), you’ll find yourself together.  A lot.  Unless you’re Jamie Kennedy, desperately clinging to Jennifer Love Hewitt so she doesn’t come to her senses, couples need time apart.  So do something free – go for a jog, visit your local library, interview for some low-paying job.  The important thing is that you’re out of the apartment and away from her.