Mad Atoms

Maybe you knew all along, maybe you’re just finding out. Either way, you’ve got to start thinking about your future. Here are a few tips to make it through this awful experience and come out on top:

1) Stand by Your Man

I’m sure the last thing you want to do is to stand there sheepishly at your cheating husband’s press conference while he admits to being a man-whore. But if you want to get to that silver lining, it’s a must. Feminists will give you a ton of shit for this. They’ll say you’re whipped, that you’re a gold-digger. At best, everyone will talk about how much they pity you. But if you leave him now, in a few months, they’ll call you much worse: frigid, bitchy, cold. They’ll blame you. Plus, you miss your chance at a headline. This is what seasoned political professionals call “owning the news cycle.” You’ve got to be patient. Remember, even the first lady of New Jersey waited two months before leaving her husband- and he was..."cock friendly."

2) Keep a Journal

For why, skip to #3.

3) Write a Book

Don’t worry, it’s a figure of speech, you don’t actually have to write it yourself. That’s why we said to keep a journal. You give that journal to a ghost writer, and five to eight months later, presto, you got a book. You might be embarrassed to have someone else write a book for you. Don’t be, no one’s going to read it anyway. The point is to appear on a bunch of TV shows and get your name in the press. #1 and #3 make a perfect fake-out combo for those feminists. First, they think you’re a doormat. But feminists have pretty low standards- all it takes is one book that you don’t even have to write, and you’ll be hailed as the next Gloria Gaynor.

4) The World is Your Oyster 

Now that you’re somewhat famous, you can pretty much sit back and wait for the job offers to roll in. You’ll be invited to sit on the board of all sorts of crazy companies, which is basically like getting money for doing nothing. You might choose to “write” another book. Or co-host The View.