Mad Atoms

I’ll be honest. In my 15 years or so of sexual activity, I’ve experienced both extreme ends of the “staying power” spectrum.  

Sometimes it just takes forever to finish, and sometimes… well, it doesn’t. Usually, I’m somewhere comfortably in between. But even when I’m clocking in for a long shift and feeling all studly, I can’t help but think of how upset Darwin would be. His theory of evolution says that the only genetic traits that get passed on are ones that aid in survival, and 30 minute marathon sex sessions certainly don’t fit that category.  

If zebras took half an hour and six different positions to mate, they would be lion food by minute 3. As much as all night sex sessions have been glorified in today’s porn-ridden culture, premature ejaculation is actually the best Darwinian advantage. Wham, bam, let’s get the fuck out of here before a wolf attacks.

Think about it. Which has a better chance of surviving in a snake cage – a one-pump rat who does his business in ten seconds and flees the scene, or a John Holmes rat who sits in one place for an hour, gyrating his rat hips and thinking about baseball?

(Or whatever rats think about to delay climax. Rat traps? Poison cheese?) 

This got me thinking. What other sexual features are highly esteemed in today’s society that would actually hinder our survival in the wild? The first thing that came to mind was breast size. If you’re a female running away from a wild dog, hell bent on ripping you to shreds and sharing your flesh with the rest of the pack for dinner, the last thing you need is two enormous double-D flesh globs bouncing all over the place. If I was a hungry bear and had a choice to chase down either Kate Moss or Ice-T’s wife Coco, guess which one seems more helpless.

And what about penis size? While an 11-inch boner might turn some heads in the porn industry and has lead to an entire career for the otherwise untalented Ron Jeremy, how does that benefit one in the wild? You don’t see many giraffes with cocks dangling down below their knees, and there’s probably a reason for that. 

Of course, we’re not living in the jungle anymore. Human beings have evolved and now have locked 5^th floor bedrooms that we can screw in for as long as we want without fear of being devoured by a crocodile. So much for Darwin and his theory then. He was probably just a one-pump chump with a tiny dick and a flat-chested wife.