It’s only a matter of time before this scenario happens to you: You’re sitting in your sweat-laden masturbatorial chair, cycling through your usual slate of various porn sites, making either a mental notation or opening up a new browser tab to remind you of which images or videos to come back to during a more climax-nearing moment, when all of a sudden you see a face that looks incredibly familiar.  

No, it’s not your mother – even though MILF porn is all the rage these days – but instead someone else from your past. Perhaps an old classmate. Or a co-worker. Or an ex-girlfriend. Or, if you’re lucky, an old substitute teacher. And now you’re watching that person getting slammed between three sweaty European guys and covered in twelve gallons of sperm.  

And you couldn’t be happier about seeing it.  

But, upon further examination, it’s not actually the people from your past you’re watching. (There’s no way you’re that lucky.) Instead, you’ve just discovered an under-utilized concept in the world of pornography: The porn-a-like.  

You see, with the massive amount of porn that’s already out there, and more and more being created by the minute – the number of video clips, images, websites, etc. is staggering when you think about it.

There’s a chance jerk-off material is expanding more rapidly than the universe – there’s bound to be a lot of actresses that look like people from your past. (But, you know, with awful boob jobs and pregnancy stretch marks replaced by emotional scarring.) There are, after all, only a certain amount of facial variations that are possible.  

Shockingly, this concept has fallen under the radar of porn enthusiasts. Luckily, my devious nature is here to help:

Step 1: Focus on who you want to look for

Instead of just hoping to luck into any old random person you wanted to bang in your past, focus on a specific person to find their porn-a-like. This will make it much easier to decide which niche websites to visit, whether they be for chubby chasers, tattooed goths, girls with bad eyesight, or ones with disturbingly unkempt pubic regions.

Step 2: Utilize accurate search terms

If your old flame is tall and brunette, no doubt you’re going to insert those search terms into your porn search engine of choice, but don’t be afraid to get overly-descriptive.

Kind of a horse-face? Make a note of it. Smaller boobs? Throw that in there too. Prone to queefing? Well, maybe it’s best to leave that out.

Step 3. When all else fails, squint

Or take off your glasses. That should get the job done.  

If the above steps don’t work, for a limited time I am offering up my encyclopedia knowledge of porn by allowing you to contact me with photos of the porn-a-like you’re looking for. For the low, low price of $50 per person, I will forward you the name of a porn star that looks somewhat like the person. If I cannot find a close representation, I’ll settle by making a crude MS Paint copy-and-paste job with the head of your submission.  

(Note: All complaints will be ignored.)