Mad Atoms

Contrary to how the media sells it, it is possible to gain more from movies than the inspiration to shoot up everyone in your high school.  I’m not talking about the bullshit you learn in film school – form, function, mise-en-scène, dialectics – but about practical life lessons.  Real life stuff that is essential to making it in this world and getting the most out of life.  

I learned how to hotwire a car from movies, for instance.  All you have to do is reach into the wiring hidden in the paneling beneath the steering wheel and yank out the wires.  While the wires are still sparking, just connect two of them together and the engine will start.  And then you’re off.  Easy as that. 

Unfortunately, people ignore these little life lessons.  They say movies are bullshit.  Well, to them I say, “You’re the bullshit!”  And in order to shut their stupid faces up and show them all what they’ve been missing, here are some of my favorite life lessons I’ve learned from movies:

- The best way to escape thugs is by rounding a corner and slipping into a manhole.  They never suspect it, and, what’s more, there’s all sorts of cool stuff down there.

- On that note, when being chased by a fat person with a mustache, simply climb over a chain-linked fence.  They are incapable of scaling it and usually will give in to fatigue shortly after trying.

- If a person is poor or homeless, he or she will have ash on their face.  I’m not sure where the ash comes from, but boy, does it stick to their poor, little faces. 

- Should a man with a thick, Eastern-European accent come up to you and say, “There’s been a shooting,” do not, under any circumstances ask, “Shooting?”  If you do, he will say, “Yes…you,” shoot you in the face, and take your policeman’s uniform. 

- In the event that you somehow get your hands on “the disk,” just destroy it.  If you don’t, there are men that will come after you to get it back.  And they will stop at nothing. 

- Don’t worry if you are shot in the shoulder.  You’ll be fine after the adrenaline kicks in.  This one I know from personal experience. 

- If you hear a creaking sound coming from downstairs, don’t investigate with a kitchen knife.  If you do, you run the very real risk of having your knife turned against you.  (Note: If you do investigate with a knife and your cat suddenly jumps out at you, don’t let your guard down after you realize it was only your cat.  That is when killers best like to strike.)

- Finally, should you ever find yourself in a situation where a person is holding a gun to a hostage’s head, don’t hesitate – shoot Keanu Reeves.