Mad Atoms

The first year you did it, it was kinda funny -- you had the bejeweled cup and the whole nine, and you fake pimp-slapped my mother -- but now it's about as original as a white sheet with two eye holes. There's actually a site called pimpcostumes.com, for Christ's sake. It's the costume equivalent of a hanging chad joke. 

Just because you add accessories and new catch phrases each year doesn't make it fresh or even remotely funny. And "pimp like funk" has no meaning whatsoever, so please stop saying it. You sound like an asshole.  

You don't seem to realize that you're not only indicting your horrible sense of humor and suspect decision-making abilities, but that greeting every woman you meet with "Bitch, where my money?" will hardly get you laid. And news flash: you're white. Trying to speak Ebonics, even if in the spirit of the costume, could have life-altering ramifications for your teeth. If you really want to be authentic, toss some N-words in there and put on some Blackface; see how that works out for you.  

Seriously, pimps don't even dress in leopard-skin coats and feathered hats anymore. That's like wearing a football costume with a leather helmet and not allowing athletically superior minorities into your league.

Put on a lime green suit and a bowler if you want a ho to take you seriously nowadays.

All I’m trying to say is put some thought into your costume this year. Be a mortgage broker committing hari-kari or a McCain-o-lantern that won’t look you in the eye—anything that doesn’t involve you cupping your nuts.