Mad Atoms

After three decades of keeping mum, Barbara Walters has revealed that she had an affair with married U.S. Senator Edward Brooke, whom she remembers as "exciting" and "brilliant." I understand old people are people too, and that one day I'll be old, and that every old person was once my age, blah blah blah. But c'mon, keep this stuff to yourself, old people.

It's an issue of courtesy. No young person can hear an old person talk about sex without having to forcefully fight off visions of such a horrendous act. I personally won't be able to watch a Barbara Walters Special again without envisioning what an 80 year old woman's naked, gyrating ass looks like.

I know she wasn't even old when she was doin' the nasty with that senator dude. But the fact that the IDEA of a sexually active Barbara Walters has crossed my mind is upsetting enough. I mean... what does that even look like? And you know she's a freak dude. Just looking at her I can tell she's all about the dirty talk. You know I'm right.

Oh God, I'm thinking about it now. Alright, c'mon Johnny, focus. Just take your mind off Barbara Walters' nude figure... her liver-spotted prune-like skin, her breasts like deflated party balloons a week after the fact, her face and lips craggy beyond belief, hands like those of Skeletor himself. She probably wears her glasses while she's gettin' down because she's dignified like that. Ugh, I bet she even likes it when you put your...

I just threw up on my keyboard.