Mad Atoms

When I started dating my current boyfriend, everything was perfect – he cooked me dinner, he gave me orgasms, and he – well, does anything else really matter once those two things are taken care of? My regular and sexual appetites were both satisfied, it was dating heaven. Alas, it was too good to be true. Something had to be wrong with him, and eventually, I found out what it was. 

He lived in the Valley. 

Long distance relationships never work, and as I was trudging up Coldwater Canyon for the first time, gripping my steering wheel in terror of turning a sharp corner into someone’s multimillion dollar shack, I was practicing my It’s Not You, It’s Your Location speech. But as I descended the hill on the unchartered territory of the other side, I decided my feelings for him outweighed the horrifying amount of gas I’d have to buy to drive to his place every night. So I stuck it out, and after six months, he finally converted me. Sure, the Valley isn't "cool" or "interesting" and actual children dwell there (shudder), but it's a vacation from the constant headache the fun side of the hill is. Living in the heart of Hollywood is like living inside Disneyland – yeah, it’s expensive and crowded and it’s fun to do shrooms there, but sometimes you need a break. 

So, yeah, I like the Valley. And here’s why:

Parking Everywhere - Somehow the drive to Studio City from West Hollywood almost seems worth it when I can find parking right in front of a Starbucks. Not just on the street – there’s usually an entire lot just for Starbucks customers. Even if it’s full and I have to park at a meter, twenty-five cents in the Valley will get you about three weeks. Whereas in Hollywood, you have to recycle a fucking Coca-Cola factory to have enough change to get an hour.

Less Noise - Whenever I sleep at my boyfriend’s apartment in Studio City, I'm not woken up at 3am by blaring ambulances or gun shots. Or cum shots – my gay next-door neighbors are pretty loud.  

No Tourists - No one’s ever visiting North Hollywood or Sherman Oaks and stopping traffic to take a picture of a sign out their window. In Hollywood, all the tourists are riding those ridiculous double-decker busses around the hellhole known as Hollywood and Highland. Okay, I'll admit the Valley might have more crap-filled Old Navy’s per square foot than the rest of Los Angeles but all least all those Best Grandma Oscar statues and kitschy director’s slates are kept out of sight.

Cheaper Rent - Since no one really wants to live in the Valley, the rent is ass cheap. My boyfriend lives in a spacious one-bedroom whereas I live with three roommates whose food I have to steal since I can’t afford groceries because of my rent.  

Karaoke Pornstars - Truly, the best thing about The Valley – the presence of the Porn Industry. And nothing is more entertaining than going to Sardo’s or Dimples* to see porn actresses’ breasts bouncing along to the beat of “Livin’ on a Prayer” and “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. I’d like to see you try and find that in Beverly Hills. 

*Co-owend by Dennis Haskins aka Mr. Belding who hangs out there hitting on underage girls.