Mad Atoms

Porn Story #1: My high school boyfriend had a tape of hermaphrodite porn. Not because he was turned on by it, but because it was funny. That’s what he claimed anyway. He wore a fetish-looking dog collar daily so who knows what freaky shit he was really into. My other friend just happened to own a porn movie called Screw, which was a parody of the board-game-turned-classic-comedy Clue. The two of them decided to throw a porn film festival to screen both cinematic masterpieces, and the place they decided was my house, since my parents never bothered me and my friends when we watched movies. I was an innocent, naïve sixteen-year old girl at the time, and I had very little say in the manner. The two of them distributed fliers throughout the school, calling it “Becky’s Porn Fest!” with a photo of a naked Hustler model. About twenty people were crammed into my parents’ bedroom (they had the surround sound) to watch Mr. Peacock use the candlestick on Miss Scarlett in the drawing room.

Porn Story #2: My first job was at a mom-and-pop video rental store. What made it different from Blockbuster was that they a) didn’t make any money and b) had a porno section. They put me, a sixteen year old girl, in charge of putting the porno movies back on the shelves. Over time I knew every title of the Booty Patrol franchise, as well as how to categorize Ass Chasers according to how big an asshole the film’s star had.

Combined with the porn film fest at my house, I thought that my adolescence was sullied enough, until I saw my guidance counselor renting gay porn. You don’t know what awkward is until you’ve seen the dude who gives you college advice holding a copy of Man Flesh in his hands. 

Porn Story #3: Think a porn-related experience can only happen once between you and a teacher? Wrong! The student teacher for my high school choir taped our national music competition and edited the footage into a video. He distributed burned copies to everyone in the class on the last day of school. Mine came attached with a little card that read “Thanks for all your hard work – this is especially for you,” which I figured was because I was the President of Choir. I didn’t bother to watch it until the middle of the summer, when I pressed play on my VCR and saw the inner workings of a woman’s vagina instead of our show choir’s box step gleaming from my TV screen. The entire tape was hardcore porn. The VHS was clearly marked “For Becky”. Did he accidentally switch tapes in the bustle of making dozens of copies? Or was I meant to receive this video footage of a woman’s nether regions being pounded? Either way, the entire school found out, and he never came back to teach. Honestly, I was slightly disappointed the tape wasn’t a porn movie parody with a hermaphrodite.