Mad Atoms

I’m gonna warn you up front, this story is a bit gross. The star of this story isn't me; it's a friend of mine. I'll call him Steve. So a group of us were in Amsterdam, doing all the standard things people do there - hitting the “coffee shops,” the Van Gogh museum, and ultimately a sex show.  

Now, this wasn't your standard sex show. In fact, there was no sex at all. It featured a well-past-her-prime woman who would lie down onstage and challenge members of the audience to try and shit in her face for 50 euros. Yes, shit in her face. If successful, you won a cash prize.  

Paying over 100 American dollars to try and defecate on this haggard creature in front of a crowd of drunk weirdoes sounded like a punishment to me. Not Steve. He likes a challenge. So he handed over his 50 euros and dropped trow. Alas, with the combination of unanticipated stage fright and the woman blowing air from her mouth directly on his asshole, shitting was impossible. Steve failed. In fact, all the challengers failed that evening.

The rest of us thought it was a hilarious adventure. But Steve was pissed. He wanted a rematch. To prepare for the ensuing battle, he spent the whole next day stockpiling ammunition by constantly eating olives and nuts and pounding red wine like he was the second coming of Bacchus. 

When we returned to the show the following day he was buckling over in pain he had to shit so bad. Finally the big moment came, Steve's rematch.  

Onstage, he could barely get his pants off because his bowels were so pent up. The woman does this for a living; she could clearly tell what was happening inside Steve's body. She calmly braced herself as… 

Steve unleashed a devastating fury of diarrhea into this poor woman's face! It was horrifying. Then she stoically got up and walked off stage. Steve had won, though he didn’t look overjoyed. Now he wanted to apologize to the woman. The woman had a shockingly pragmatic attitude about the whole thing. She explained that she makes a lot of money for only 30 minutes of work a night, and about once a week, someone actually shits in her face. Then she takes a shower and goes home.  

In a way, aren't most jobs worse than that? We're all proverbially shit-on at work, but for most people it's not something you can easily wash off with soap and it happens far more than once a week.

[Edit: Actually, it was probably more like 75 American dollars. I had the Euro and the Pound mixed up.]