Mad Atoms

One night in Paris. Pam & Tommy. Kim Kardashian getting pissed on. Screech. Mini-me. We've seen all sorts of celebrity sex tapes, but aside from some not-so-shocking old porn footage of Dita Von Teese, we have yet to see any celebrity *lesbian* vids. As such, all eyes - and lenses - are on Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. Everybody knows this couple has a hot minute left before Lohan returns to the cock from whence she came, so I beseech thee Mrs. Ronson: Get that firecrotch on film! (She could even produce the soundtrack and turn a quick profit.)  

Frankly, I'm both shocked and dismayed that a sex tape hasn't yet turned up of this ex-con trollop and her dildo-toting troll girlfriend. That anti-pap task force must be gaining momentum or something. I mean, we've had so many near misses with Lindsay already: the fake Calum Best cellular blow job, the dirty sanchez from Wilmer Valderrama, the t-bone shoved up her ass by Harry Morton.   

Lindsay, the sex tape hungry public will not rest until we are presented with a Sapphic film fest. Your coy hand-holding and lip-locked pics with Samantha could never satiate our lust for freaky celebrity lesbian footage. Show us the clit-grinding, the freckled vagina-fisting, the mutual titty-tweaking we deserve, not those boring "in lurvvvve" Myspace blog posts. Bah-lezbug!

I may be in a heterosexual relationship, but I know what I'm talking about. If any photos from the summer of 2005 were released, I'd be stigmatized for life. That, in turn, could effect my current boyfriend's belief in my cock-sucking abilities. Thus, I must conversely hypothesize that the only way for Lindsay to ultimately prove her lesbian love for Samantha is to provide the World Wide Web with a series of labia-licking images so powerful and indelible, no one could ever question her sexuality again.  

Considering Lindsay's sexual history, Samantha ought to think of this video as her prenuptial agreement. If LiLo truly loved SamRo, she'd do it. And while she's at it, Sam should probably go ahead with those breast implants -- even if she does just tape them back down again afterwards.  

As for the content of the sex tape itself, I suggest the lezzadies film a re-enactment of their first time. It should take place mere hours before Lindsay's drunken joy ride and subsequent arrest.  

The grrrls slip into the bathroom at a friend's house party. Lindsay snorts a line of blow off of Samantha's arm. Then she laps up the remaining coke dust tangled in Samantha's arm hair and looks deep into her beady little eyes.

Suddenly consumed with a wet 'n wild passion, they tear off each other's clothes and hop into the shower. Using a Pantene bottle as a makeshift double-sided dildo, the girls fiercely bump soaking wet beavers until they simultaneously explode in an epileptic fit of lesbionic quivers. Afterwards, Lindsay accidentally puts on Samantha's pants, and the two argue about who's skinnier.   

Roll credits.

Because let's face it, how much longer can that Fornarina money last?

[Editor's note: Some of you may have seen the contents of this article on Craigslist Best Of. It was originally comissioned to be written for us and was posted to Craigslist without our knowledge or permission before we published it.]