Mad Atoms

At first I thought this title stood for Jesus Christ Venereal Disease and I got pissed because that would mean someone stole my idea. But then I realized that this was even better: a movie about Jean Claude Van Dame. Starring Jean Claude Van Damme. That’s right, The Muscle from Brussels is following in the footsteps of other sports legends as Jackie Robinson and Muhhammad Ali by playing himself in a film.

So turns out this movie is in French (which is weird, cause it takes place in Belgium, shouldn’t they be speaking Belgian?). I know most of my readership just choked on their Miller Lite and exclaimed, “I don’t see foriegn films!” But I’m here to tell you that you need to open your mind. Everyone knows that the best films are made when art and commerce intersect, like “The Godfather,” or “9 1/2 Weeks.” Sure, J.C.V.D. looks a little arty, but that’ll make it that much cooler when Jean Claude Van Damme kicks some dude in the chest and mumbles some catchphrase that doesn’t even make sense.

If I could go back in time and show my high school self about this trailer, he’d probably get so excited with anticipation he’d burst a blood vessel. I always liked Van Dammage more than Schwarzenneger or Stalone, and the fact that he developed a coke habit and got beat up by his body guard only seemed to confirm my good judgment. That’s the way an action star should act.

This isn’t a straight biopic. Jean Claude never got falsely accused of robbing a bank, although I would imagine that his daughter’s friends make fun of her dad when his movies come on. You can’t expect a kid to understand how awesome Time Cops is.

I’m sure Jean Claude was hoping that J.C.V.D. would be his big comeback. Sadly, it doesn’t seem likely. Maybe if it was in English. And Quentin Tarantino directed it. And he played the son of God. With a burning sensation...