Mad Atoms

Guess where I am right now! Hey, don’t bother! I don’t even know! I do know that all the cages at this army base only seem to have dirt floors, and the only reason I’m ever brought indoors at all is so three Marines can strap me to an incline bench, drape a filthy sheet over my face, and dump buckets of freezing water over my immobilized head. I also know it’s been the most productive four and half years of my life!

It all started back in 2003 at the dawn of the Iraq War. Since nobody else seemed to be getting it done, I had this idea to fly over to Afghanistan and look around for Osama Bin Laden myself while a camera crew filmed it. Only I would conduct the whole thing with this cheeky kind of attitude so that, between the thoughtful insights into world affairs, there’d be these fun little pot-shots at U.S. foreign policy too! I’ll admit we probably should have planned it out a little better than we did, but I really wanted to jump on the idea before somebody else ran with it.

We didn’t even pick up a translator until we landed at the airport in Kabul. Well, long story short, the guy we hired turned out to be al-Qaeda. The first chance he got he stole all our equipment and turned us over to a U.S. Army colonel. Said he caught us making a terrorist training video.

 It was just as well. The idea was bankable, but it had no legs! In the week leading up to our flight I counted on shower brainstorming to make it happen, but it was like something was missing. The first time I felt that ice water on my face, eyes, nose, and throat, I knew what it was: the looming fear of death! There’s nothing like coming face to face with the end of your own existence to really get the gears turning on that last stalled project. Just don’t get distracted by thoughts of friends and family, and what you’d do if only you had one more day.

My secret? I know they won’t actually let me die. They think I know too much. Since I got here I’ve actually been playing a character I call Omar Eppsaladjad, a feared and high-ranking Taliban leader who has even played buzkashi with Osama Bin Laden! It’s done absolute wonders for my improv skills. You think performing in front of your Theater class is hard? Try “yes-and”ing a raging Army corporal as he stuffs a rag in your mouth and raises a sparking electrical wire over your head! All in all, it’s tough work, but once I get out of here I’ll have all the chops I need to play myself in the movie! I can’t say the same for my producer, though. I’m pretty sure he’s dead.