Mad Atoms

Before I started writing a couple of years ago, I briefly flirted with the idea of being an actor. I knew the pay was great (think about how rich Will Smith is!), and assumed all you had to do was show up and read some scripts and stuff. It seemed like a sweet gig and I wondered why everyone in this town was wasting time being waiters and casting assistants. I decided that I, young Johnny Highland, would become a famous Hollywood actor. But my fantasies was quickly destroyed after I went on what ended up being my first audition, and very last, audition.

While I was riding the bus to school one fateful day, a friend called me about an audition in Beverly Hills that afternoon. While it seemed like a small part, I told myself that even George Clooney started somewhere.

I decided to skip class, call out of work, and head east to meet my destiny at 5909 Wilshire Blvd. I hopped on a different bus, picked up my car from the alley behind my apartment, and rocketed towards Beverly Hills. I parked meter when I got there because the only money I had on me was 75 cents in quarters. 45 mins should be more than enough. How long do auditions take, like, 2 minutes?

After an hour of waiting in a nicely decorated lobby, I was asked for my headshot and resume.

I had no idea what a headshot was and my resume was filled with words like "multi-tasker" and "barista." I was lead into a tiny office crammed with about 10 executives and producers. I’d heard one of these people was Cheryl Hines, but I’d also never seen Curb Your Enthusiasm. So I shook everyone’s hand and smiled at them as if they were famous just to cover my bases.

The audition itself only lasted about 4 minutes, but it felt like 6 hours. I did some truly terrible acting… I wouldn’t even call it acting, it was like bad reading. I immediately wanted to leave but knew it was not an option. I was eventually thanked for my time and got the feeling that as soon as the door closed behind me, one of the producers was going to ask, "who let the retarded kid audition?" and everyone would chuckle quietly to themselves.

I immediately knew I hadn’t gotten the part. I also knew I’d gotten a parking ticket while I was waiting, missed a day’s pay at work, and skipped a class I desperately needed units in. And the role I put all of this on the line for? The role of an RA on the Oxygen Network’s Campus Ladies. What do you mean you’ve never heard of it? It was at that moment that I vowed to never audition for another acting role as long as I live. The experience left me feeling like a prostitute that got neither money, nor sex.

Acting’s for assholes anyways.