Mad Atoms

Not to brag or anything, but working customer service inside the box office at a prominent Los Angeles playhouse, I deal with a LOT of celebrities. Face to face, voice to voice, life to life. While most folks pore over cheap entertainment rags or click themselves ragged on the Internet for the latest updates on the goings-on of our day’s named tastemakers, yours truly gets it all on a nightly basis—live and uncut, for an audience of one: me.

I am the lube that coats the gears which turn the machines inside the Hollywood dream factory (by finding their tickets in the alphabetized Will Call box). For those who’ve never dealt with a celebrity, the feeling is like nothing else in the world. You really must try it sometime. It’s like getting butterfly kisses from God’s own eyelashes. The following are just a handful of the lives I’ve touched in my stint as customer servant to the celebrities… 

Laurence Fishburne-Ok, so technically, I’ve never “dealt” with him. Though I did see him once in the lobby talking to some tall guy. Plus I’ve seen the motorcycle he rides. It’s a burnt sienna color. Class act.

Ed Harris-His wife (Amy Madigan) asked if they owed any money on the tickets. I played it cool and said, “No,” then nodded to Harris.

He looked back at me with his sad Irish eyes, and did some kind of hat tip maneuver without even wearing a hat.

Yeardley Smith-Does a voice for The Simpsons, but I knew her from the psycho-comedy, Herman’s Head, and in The Legend of Billy Jean. Both hits in my book. 

Edward James Olmos-Out of the blue I hear this voice on the phone that is the epitome of what I like to call “whisper wisdom.” It’s Eddie J. Olmos, and he says, “Clem, I’m looking for tickets.” My response? “We’re sold out.” TV’s Adama took the news like a pro.

Joan Rivers-Too much fun! She is maybe over a hundred years old, but she could still bring down the house like she was 1/4^th that age. Would do a shtick about getting annoyed when our receptionist took too long to buzz her in that had us all rolling on the floor (the first 15 times she did it).

Morgan Freeman-Heard his voice before seeing his oatmeal-cookie-with-freckles-like-familiarity, and a glistening earring (nice touch). He tossed his credit card in the ticket well, I checked it for name confirmation, and he chuckled, all the while a hot little number clinging to his arm.

Danny DeVito-Had on some huge eyeglasses, but maybe they were regular sized glasses and he is just that small. His gaze met mine, and I gave him a formal nod. The favor was returned.

Scott Bakula-My first week working here, the Quantum Leapster himself had been cast in a play alongside Roseanne’s Laurie Metcalf and Crocodile Dundee 2’s Dennis Bousikaris. Imagine my surprise at the lobby entrance when he opened the door for me (!) Gadzooks, what a charmer!

John Malkovich-Must’ve chickened out—had someone pick up his tickets, but I caught a glimpse of the guy, and he was wearing a newsboy cap, but one that looked “modern.” Got nothing bad to say about the fella.

Elizabeth Berkley-Felt kind of bad for her. She was gorgeous, but seemed way more skittish and insecure than her character Jesse Spano would have ever tolerated. Was with some tool that looked like a well-manicured Ben Stiller-Antonio Banderas hybrid.