Mad Atoms

Guys don't like wearing condoms. It’s no secret. The federal government is planning to spend half a million dollars to investigate why. That’s how little of a secret it is.  

I don’t know how much investigation is really required. Conceptually condoms are sort of a cruel joke, like being forced to eat with a bag over your tongue. Plus that awkward recess to find and apply the damn thing is an inherent mood momentum breaker.  

But, I gotta tell ya… I really like condoms. 

As anyone who has ever raw-dogged it with a questionable lady can attest to, yes, they have obvious benefits: they can protect you from STDs and horrible babies, and sure, they can make you last longer in the grind too. But what I like about condoms is the general sense of achievement applied.  

Sex is such a primal activity that I don't really think of much of anything while doing it. So once I've waddled to the bathroom room to dispose of the rubber, there is finally time for a pleasant moment of reflection. Similar to crushing a spent beer can, removing that used condom is a palpable mission-accomplished statement. The battle was waged and I emerged victorious. Now I can triumphantly cast my armor aside.

I like finding the empty condom wrapper on the floor the following day, or better yet, days later (a pleasant reminder of exciting times). I like buying condoms too. Especially if they end up humorously paired with another item that draws you a curious look from the clerk as they try and imagine what sort of plans you have for the evening: tinfoil and condoms, laxative and condoms, or sleeping pills and condoms.  

Grabbing a preparatory condom is a fun gamble. You always feel a bit loseriffic if you’re taking it out of your pocket at the end of the evening, unused, but it’s obviously far better than needing a condom and not having one. Cause, rule of thumb for any kids out there, any girl who’ll let you go sans-condom on a one-night is the exact kind of girl you don’t wanna bare-back. Unless you really love visiting the Free Clinic. 

Wanna feel like a stud? Buy your condoms in bulk at Sam’s Club. Depending on your sex life that might be overkill, but you’ll enjoy standing in the check out line. Guaranteed.