Mad Atoms

Being part of the LA party crowd one associates with a lot of obnoxious types. Like the "Conveniently Forgetting His Wallet Guy," the "We Have To Go Back I Lost My Phone Girl," the "I’m Too Drunk You Need To Drive My Car Dude," the "Obsessive Texters and the Pukers," to name but a few. I myself used to be the "Gets Us Kicked Out For Looking Too Wasted Guy." 

But hands down the most annoying person to go out boozing with is "The Fighter," that guy who can seemingly get into a fight anywhere, over anything. I’ll call my Fighter, Jack.  

Jack is a relatively normal chap when sober. Incredibly fun when slightly buzzed. But somewhere in between that 4th and 5th drink something happens. First he gets happy, but in a fake way, forcefully over-laughing at things. Then comes the no-standards wandering eye, ogling any girl that passes. Then it’s time to do shots, and anyone who won’t partake is being a “pussy.” Finally, like some addled vet still paranoid of an attack, Jack’s head and eyes start dodging around the room – I call this his "There Might Be Ninjas" phase. We’ve crossed the event horizon. A fight is now unavoidable.

Fortunately Fighters mostly fight other Fighters. They are cosmically drawn to each other, and like Highlanders, there can be only one. It’s fascinating to see how Jack can turn anything into a wounded pride moment that demands immediate and violent satisfaction. A guy gives Jack a weird look, because Jack was giving him a weird look. "You got a problem?" the guy will ask, as Fighters do. "I do now!" Boom. Fight. Just like that.  

Of course the Fighter always expects you to have his back. “Where were you, bro?!” He’ll get extra offended later when you dismiss his concrete reasoning for needing to fight that “prick.” But never feel guilty and certainly never enter the fray.   

Most bouncers will kick you out too, just for being friends with the Fighter. Jack loves attacking bouncers. It’s best to pretend you don’t even know the guy, especially if you paid an absurd $20 cover. He can cab it home. Now you can get yourself kicked out later! 

Maybe you’ll be the "Falls Asleep In Bathroom Girl" or the "Tries To Pour Own Drink At Bar Guy."