Mad Atoms

I'm a convicted criminal. Yet, for a while, I kept forgetting about it. It’d proven to be one of those "Oooh yeah..." moments. I'd incorrectly fill out forms, skipping over that whole "have you ever been convicted of a crime" question the same way I skip over questions about being a legal citizen or a war veteran. Of course I hadn't been convicted of a crime. Crimes are things criminals do. I’m not a criminal. 

Oooh yeah... Last summer I spent two awesome days in jail cause I drunkenly decided to drunkenly drive to Wendy’s with only my fog lights on at 2:30am. There was that time. That incident was embarrassing, indeed, but the fact that I’d actually been arrested and convicted of a crime somehow just hadn’t sunk in. Until recently.  

It started slowly. I’d be in a conversation and someone would bring up that they’d been arrested for something. So I’d chime in too. It became a goofy sort of bonding. Oh, you’re a criminal? Why so am I! Then I started enjoying being a criminal. Given that all my friends are well-educated dorks, I suddenly found myself with street cred. I felt embowered being a criminal. I started bringing up my life of crime, unprompted. The bonding was gone. 

Now I was just making sure everyone understood what a hardcore badass I was. Hmm? You’ve been to Rome? Interesting. I went to jail. Yup, two days. Yes, I know I’m intimidating.

Then three weeks ago when I went to watch my friend Matt get a tattoo (the world's greatest tatt: it just says KICK ME on his back), we ended up in a long conversation with the tattoo artists and of course, my sexy and sordid past came up.  

I took an early lead. He’d only spent a measly 6 hours in jail for his DUI. Pft. But as the conversation continued my street cred slowly dissipated. Turned out the dude had been arrested like 7 times. He’d spent over two years in jail. He punched a cop once! I suddenly realized, “Man, I’m a total pussy.”   

I started envisioning other things I could get arrested for. Public urination would be easy. Selling drugs. I too could punch a cop! 

But, alas, I just had to face facts. My thug life wasn’t meant to be. I’m not much of a criminal.