Mad Atoms

Sure he says he’s straight, but he’s an actor. He makes a living pretending to be things he’s not. Sometimes it can be hard to tell the Vin Diesels who say they “only date in Europe” (gay), from the Balthazar Gettys who get caught making out with Sienna Miller in Europe (not gay). Tally your score to find out if the tabloids are more likely to find your new boyfriend on a beach with Jude Law’s sloppy seconds or blowing Tom Cruise in a bathroom at the Scientology Celebrity Center.

He’s got more pictures on MySpace than a 14-year-old girl. There’s the one of him in the bathroom mirror, the one of him making a sad face in the bathroom mirror, the one with his shirt off in the bathroom mirror, and the one of him wearing assless chaps in the bathroom mirror. No clever caption can justify spending this much time alone with a camera. Gay or straight it’s probably a good idea to keep him away from bathrooms, mirrors, and assless chaps. +2

He “has a thing” for small boobs.

Okay, so it might seem like he’s going for the 12-year-old girl look, but he could also be going for the 12-year-old boy look. Though pedophiles aren’t necessarily gay, having a sex offender for a boyfriend isn’t any better than having a gay one. +1

He’s a great dancer. Most straight guys can’t dance. Sure, there are exceptions, but they didn’t study musical theatre in college. +1

He studied musical theatre in college. +4

He wears make-up, off set. Whether he wears eyeliner to dinner at Katsuya or a little concealer to cover a blemish at Whole Foods, there is something less than straight about a man who wears make-up recreationally. +3

He just likes to cuddle. And then cuddle some more. At first you might think, wow it’s kind of nice that he’s not trying to sleep with me right away, until you realize that he’s not trying to sleep with you, ever. 

Eventually, if he starts calling you his girlfriend, he might start having sex with you because he’s supposed to, but he won’t like it, and believe me, neither will you. +100

Scores

1-3 He’s so vain, he probably thinks this quiz is about him. And he’s right, but that doesn’t make him gay.

4-11 He’s got a strong bi streak and has probably gotten drunk and accidentally stuck his best friend’s cock in his mouth. So long as you don’t mind sticking your finger up his ass, you can make it work, but you’ll probably want to prepare yourself for the day you catch Neil Patrick Harris giving him a reach-around behind.

100-110 Sure he’s your bff, but he’s also been brokebacking random strangers in Griffith Park. You should have listened to your friends when they said “I thought he was gay.” Your friends were right. Break-up with him, patch the glory hole in your bathroom, and get an AIDS test, like yesterday.