Mad Atoms

Here’s a trivia question. What is Hannah Montana’s real name? If you said Miley Cyrus, you’re wrong. Her birth name is “Destiny Hope Cyrus.” Let’s just say her parents had some expectations of her.

Cyrus is up against a lot when it comes to sanity. Her dad is the famous hick who wrote Achy-Breaky Heart. She herself is a child star loved by “tweens” around the world. And to those who aren’t already familiar, Destiny Hope Cyrus goes by Miley Cyrus, who plays Miley Stewart on TV who plays Hannah Montana on stage within that TV show. I believe the correct diagnosis here is identity crisis.

Even before the infamous Vanity Fair photographs, certain pictures had surfaced that were, uh, suggestive. Let’s face it, our Miley is growing up. She’s the age where she no longer wants to be that cute little hick, she wants to be smoking hot. Disney must be shitting themselves.

The fact is, Miley Cyrus could be an even bigger star if she successfully makes the transition from Disney “tween” star to sex kitten pop idol. Of course, she’ll have to remain innocent for another two and a half years. 

And it’s the success of that transition that makes so many young starlets lose their proverbial marbles.

Britney Spears, like Cyrus, has eccentric redneck parents, and an early career with Disney. She was 17 when her controversial photo appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone. It was another five years before that her insanity peeked it’s head when she got married to Jason Alexander, and eight years before it achieved full maturity when she shaved her head during a break from rehab.

It would appear that Cyrus is running two years behind Spears, on track to go totally out of her tree by 2016, at the age of 23. If Disney tries too hard to keep Miley’s sexuality under wraps, she could rebel and go batshit crazy in a couple of years. Her only hope is to go the Hillary Duff route: stay innocent and virginal, and therefore pass-up Madonna-size success. Of course, the jury’s still out on Duff- she’s only 20.

My prediction is that Cyrus will go Mad as a Hatter somewhere in between her 21st and 22nd birthdays. I welcome all other predictions.