Mad Atoms

When I got my first job in the entertainment industry, everyone seemed so friendly and helpful. Now I know what they really mean:

1. “Nice to see you!” - Who the fuck are you, exactly? You seem vaguely familiar, but so does everyone, at this point. And who told you it was cool to hold eye contact? 

2. “We’re looking for [something else] right now.” - If your idea is dude-centered, we want chick shit. If it’s about chicks, we want a swordfight. If it’s urban, we want the sticks. If it’s a drama, we want comedy. If it’s comedy, we want something funnier. Basically, whatever your idea is, we don’t want it, or anything like it. Thanks for playing.

3. “Call me,” “Ping me” or “Friend me.” - I don’t want to talk to you. Please forget that you ever knew me. Forget I ever tried. But, if you’re into it, my assistant will flood your Facebook inbox with bullshit press releases and assorted pleading, just to keep you in the loop.

4. “Too passive.” - We need a rewrite on the last act of the Bible. Because Christ comes off like a pussy and no one likes a pussy. And if you qwazy Qwistians knew what we really think of you, you’d really shit yourselves.

5. “Let’s get coffee.” - I’m too nice to blow you off, but this will be quick, since I don’t give a shit about you or your ideas. Also, you’ve got a booger hanging.

6. “He’s in a meeting.” - We don’t give a shit. We barely remember you. Please get AIDS.

7. “Touch the fender.” - Confirm the boss’s fears. Make sure there’s no mystery in the boss’s life. Devote your existence to slurping the boss’s low-slung neuroses and throbbing, purple-veined ego.

As the legend goes, an exec once asked her exec assistant get her snazzy car towed to a snazzy garage for some cosmetic surgery. The assistant rang the exec to tell her the car was in the shop, and the exec, in a fit of panic, demanded, “How do you know it’s okay? Did you touch the fender?” Few phrases so elegantly encapsulate the life of a Hollywood exec assistant.

Thanks to our sources.