Mad Atoms

Over the years, I've tried to gather all the information I can about avoiding tickets. Here are some tips and suggestions next time you get hassled by the Five-O.

A LADY’S MOVING VIOLATION:  

Ladies, the easiest way to get out of a speeding ticket is to be on the verge of tears. Cops signed up to protect for a living. If they see a strong woman fighting tears while politely accepting her sentence, that protective instinct will hit overdrive. I got out of a 60 in a 25 by apologizing, thanking the officer, and having a sob story. Just don't actually start fake crying unless you're a professional actress, or he'll see right through your charade.

If you absolutely can’t play the strong woman because you’re a fucking ditz, well that’s perfect too. Ever tried asking your officer what exactly your registration looks like? I did after running a stop sign. Sure, he was an asshole and said “a little white piece of paper with black writing on it”, but I was let go with a warning. 

A MAN’S MOVING VIOLATION:  

The stuttering apology doesn't work if you're a guy. Cops have no patience for pussies.

I would recommend carrying a few law school books in the passenger seat of your car, and picking up a few smart sounding, meaningless sayings. This worked for my brother. He escaped a ticket for going 80 on the freeway by stating, “No, Officer Marks, I cannot, to an exact variable, verify how fast I was moving” while glancing over at his casebooks. Also, if you have a military ID, just show him that and you’ll be fine.

YOU WERE ISSUED THE TICKET ANYWAY, WHAT THE HELL NOW: 

Well, if it was on radar, you’re probably fucked. Cough up the cash and practice the steps above just a bit more. If it was done by pacing, contest that ticket! In the courtroom, ask for the officer’s calibration records. Chances are he won’t have them, and you’ll be let off free and clear. Hell, be cheeky, ask for damages to be awarded. 

A PARKING TICKET: 

This little trick I picked up from my driving instructor. Whenever he’s issued a parking ticket, he goes to a car store, picks something up, and uses the recepit to prove that his car overheated.  You can always return your purchase later. Just don’t try this in West Hollywood.

They’ll probably hire a private investigator on your ass just to get their $40.

DUI TESTING: 

Not saying you should drive drunk, but some cops will make you blow on the breathalyzer until they get a number they like. Even though most sobriety tests are voluntary, they’ll try to manipulate you into taking them to gather evidence against you. The whole sucking on a penny thing is a myth, but I’ve got a buddy who claimed that DUI testing was against his religion, and started trying to convert the cop. He played such a good religious zealot that the cop just wanted to get rid of him and told him to go.

And one New Year’s Eve, my uncle was able to get through the field test by falling back on his yoga training. Awesome. 

Out of good conscience, I have to recommend you don’t try any of the above with a lady cop. Those bitches are ruthless.

If you have any good tips or experiences, leave them below.