Mad Atoms

Guess what? I hate your fucking dog. That’s right, HATE it. So why do you think it’s so damn cute to let it run up to me on the sidewalk and sniff my balls and drool all over my feet? If I wanted to have wet shoes and a constant nose in my sack, I would’ve bought my own dog. As you may have noticed by the lack of dogs around me, I didn’t.  

Let me be perfectly clear – I have nothing against dogs in general. It’s fine by me that they exist and if owning one makes you happy, I’m all for it. Hell, I’ve even met several dogs I like. My sister’s dog, Gordon for example. Great dog, minimal drooling, minimal sack sniffing. The problem I have is when people assume that everyone else in the world loves their dog just as much as they do and wants to come in close physical contact without asking. 

How about this for a courtesy? If we’re passing by each other on the sidewalk, pull in the slack on your leash so I have a foot or so to walk by. If I feel like petting your dog or letting it jump all over me or getting tangled in its leash as it runs circles around my legs, I’ll let you know. Otherwise, just keep that leash taught and pay me the smallest amount of respect by not letting your dog feel me up. Oh, and saying “aw, he likes you” isn’t an excuse for not keeping your dog on your side of the elevator. I’m talking to you, dog owners in my apartment building.

A special shout out to tiny women walking enormous dogs: If you aren’t strong enough to pull back your angry, growling 200 pound “pet” as I walk by, you should probably buy a smaller dog, hire somebody stronger to walk it or hit the gym. Leashes aren’t magic or a scientific innovation: it's a glorified rope. The stronger animal will always be in control no matter which end it is on.

Another note on leashes – you don’t just need to buy one, you also need to actually use it. See, it doesn’t count if you’re holding a leash but it’s not attached to the dog. That’s not how they work. Perhaps you didn’t read the instructions. Step 1: Attach leash to dog. Step 2: Attach other end to your hand. Nothing annoys me more than an ownerless dog running up to me out of nowhere, except possibly the lame excuses I hear when their owners finally catch up. 

“Sorry, she’s a bit too fast for me.” Yes, I agree. That’s why you should actually use that leash tucked in your back pocket, asshole. “Don’t worry, he doesn’t bite.” Those are literally the last words I heard before a dog clamped its jaw around my ankle, so forgive me if I don’t believe them anymore. “Looks like you just made a friend.” No, your dog is not my friend. My friends don’t wash their balls with their own tongues and then lick me. Well, one of my friends is a gymnast but at least he doesn't lick me.