Mad Atoms

If you live somewhere other than Los Angeles, a movie crew coming to film on your street is a novel experience. Seeing the lights, camera, props, trucks, actors and technicians that make up a crew offers an informative, albeit brief, glimpse into the craftsmanship that goes into a production. If you do live in Los Angeles, a film crew is an infuriating nuisance that makes the already abysmal quality of life nosedive into sheer, shrieking hell.

I work on film crews - in fact I am writing this on my laptop on a stranger's lawn right now - and I'd like to offer you, the MadAtoms reader, some ground-level tips from an insider.

1. Nobody cares about you - Nobody gives a shit about you and they care even less about your property. They just don't want to get any shit from the bosses, and if you come crying that your car got towed, there is nothing they can (or want to) do about it. Except find happiness in your suffering, which is what I do. Have fun at the impound, fuckface.

2. There is nothing you can do - There are hundreds of thousands to millions of dollars at stake everytime a crew shoots on your street. You think just because you're bothered that the moneymen are going to pull up stakes? Fat chance. They already jumped through all the hoops the City of Los Angeles puts in front of their main industry (and they wonder why people film in Canada) so legally, you can't do squat. See rule #1, and apply that to the city and government who you pay taxes to. Let me remind you also that there is no God.

3. Don't hassle the film crew - Don't fuck with waiters, because of what they can do to your food - same rule applies to film crews, who know where you live and often what car you drive. Any childish attempts at disrupting the professionals are childish and ineffective, and if anything, will make the crew stay longer.

 4. Be polite - Everyone has been up hours and is in the middle of a repetitive, stressful, horrible day in a dead-end job. Some people have a vast reserve of anger and turmoil they are just itching to get out, and a jerk is the perfect target. Being nice never killed anyone.