Mad Atoms

Breaking up with the guy or girl you’re dating/screwing is pretty easy. You either a) don’t call them back, and they’ll take the hint or b) just say “let’s stop seeing one another” and then they’re out of your life. Barring the occasional psycho, it’s pretty clean and easy. But ever try breaking up with a friend? It’s impossible. 
 
It’s one thing if your buddy does something horrible. Hook up with your ex, bitch behind your back, steal money out of your wallet. Then you have an excuse to terminate the friendship without a second thought. But what if you’re just over hanging out with them?  

Maybe you became friends out of convenience since you lived on the same dorm floor and they had a car. That’s as good as any reason to befriend someone in college. But as the years go on, and you get your own car and meet other people who fit your personality and lifestyle better, that person you have nothing in common with is still stuck in your phone, though you’re never the one calling him. Having nothing in common with a friend is even worse than having nothing in common with your boy/girlfriend, since sex isn’t an option to fill up the empty space in conversation.

So how do you break it off? Short answer: you can’t.

The excuse “we grew apart” only works for people who are as indifferent about you as you are about them. But for the unwanted friend who still thinks your bromance/BFFship is still “on”, that doesn’t stop them from calling you, demanding why you refuse to return their phone calls or Facebook messages. You’re still friends, and now, you’re a shitty friend. That’s even worse. And don’t think about actually sitting them down and saying, “I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” because you can’t follow it up with, “I think we should just be friends.”  

My only advice? Bite the bullet and sleep with them. Then they automatically get grouped into a different category, and it’s much easier to tell them “we made a mistake, and the friendship is ruined. See ya!” This method works even better if one of you is gay and the other is not.  

Okay, so you don’t want to bang them, and you truly don’t want to see the day they’re bitching at you because they’ve known you twenty years and you didn’t appoint them a bridesmaid  / groomsman at your wedding. The only other option? Send this article to the person you’d like to immediately defriend. They’ll get the message.