Mad Atoms

When I was younger I assumed that drunks and stoners must inherently hate each other, at least philosophically. Really my silliest assumption was that anyone only did one or the other. Every stoner I know loves beer, and every drunk I know gets excited when someone busts out a joint. Only jerkoffs are purist. Nonetheless, booze and weed are different beasts and there are strengths and weakness to each.

Endurance: Being drunk all day can be awesome, but it’s a plan rife with potential disaster that can lead to puking and gross errors in judgment. Whereas any wake'n'bake fan will tell you, all it takes to be stoned from sunup to sundown is the desire to do so and an appropriate supply.

win: weed  

Party: When I was in Amsterdam the thing that struck me most about the "coffee shops" wasn't that I could legally buy weed (I live in California after all), but how quiet the places were. People chat softly or just sit in a daze. You can’t really have a “crazy” stoner party. There are no weed keggers. Get a room of people stoned and you’ll probably all end up playing video games or watching a (bad) movie.

win: booze

Sports: A bit of alcohol dulls your inhibitions, which can actually improve your reaction timing. Of course that all goes out the window once you get shitfaced. But everything from softball to bowling is more fun with beer. Weed doesn’t make you worse at sports so much as it makes you not want to do them; touch football out, Madden on the PS3 in.

win: booze 

Conversation: Drunks speak a language only other drunks can understand, and stoners tend to prattle meanderingly like nursing home inhabitants. Talking to either while you’re sober is awful.

win: neither  

Chores: Painting or building IKEA crap seems like a great time to throw back some booze. Yes, it’ll make the process more fun, but your work will likely turn out embarrassing once you sober up. Getting high can greatly improve boring tasks like laundry and vacuuming, with little-to-no effect on your skill level. Though you are prone to dumbass gaffes like leaving your clothes in the drier all day.

win: weed 

Sex: Sex is great both drunk and high. Drunk sex is wild; involving positions you're not sure how you knew and on top of things that aren't your bed. Stoned sex is hippie sex; slow and full of childlike wonderment. "Wow, this is great!" I've actually said out loud before during stoned sex.

win: both 

A tie! More research is necessary. Who has some kush? I'll bring the Scotch.