Mad Atoms

A big corporation donates money to a hospital. Sounds good, right? What if the corporation giving money to the hospital was Abercrombie & Fitch?

And did I mention that it was a children’s hospital? I didn’t, for dramatic effect.

Abercrombie & Fitch recently gave a children’s hospital in Columbus, Ohio ten million dollars in exchange for naming rights. This has made a few people upset, since A& F's marketing revolves around almost naked barely-legal teen models.

If the hospital is anything like the store, sick children walking into this hospital will assaulted with the smell of powerful colognes and the sight of giant posters featuring shirtless orderlies with ripped abs. The nurses will have to wear scrubs with the Abercrombie & Fitch logo embroidered across the ass. Kids coming in for leukemia treatment will leave demanding pec implants. I don’t see how doctors will be able to concentrate in that environment.

Like everything distasteful, the trend of corporations naming hospitals after themselves is sure to spread. Here’s what we can expect when California’s corporations start naming our health care centers.

 Apple Computer Emergency Room at Hollywood Community Hospital: 

This sleek and user-friendly emergency room will be popular with media professionals, and will feature Justin Long in its advertising. Patients who go to this emergency room will swear off all other emergency rooms, and look down on you if you if you go anywhere else. These patients will also happily pay twice as much.

American Apparel Anorexia Clinic at Good Samaritan Hospital 

The AAAC will be a high price alterative for people tired of normal eating disorder treatments, which often happen under sweatshop conditions. Also, leggings.

Pinkberry Gynecological center at Santa Monica hospital

The PGC will have lots of trendy plastic contraptions for sale that have little or nothing to do with women’s health. Hospitals across Los Angeles will attempt a similar style gynecology, but it just won’t be as good. Photography will be prohibited.

And this is just the beginning. If you were planning on getting sick, do it now, before you end up getting treatment at the California Pizza Kitchen Heart Center at Cedars Sinai.