Mad Atoms

Jesus I’m broke, sometimes I wonder how I’ve come this far. Luckily, there are enough cracks in the system to not have to find out the nutritional value of my own piss. Here’s how it works:

Restaurant reviews - Anyone can be a freelance restaurant critic. While it helps that I’m actually a writer, it helps a lot more that LA is teeming with contingency-paid PR folks who only get cash when someone does a piece on their clients. So when you're calling to set up a review, the sound of clanking coins is heard by the PR person. This is by far the best way to dine. Everything is comped and the staff spoils you to help insure that you’re having a good time. You get to eat great food in great quantity, drink like a sailor. Best of all, you can bring a guest to offset the fact that you have nothing in life to offer, but witty anecdotes.  

Manufacturer coupons - The only bad thing about restaurant reviews is the fact that it’s tough to do one every day. On a good week, I’ll have one or two. For those other days, I’m dining in. One way to keep the pantries full is by getting UPC numbers off packages at the supermarket and phoning the companies complaining about declining standards. No matter how absurd your complaint, the company will send you a coupon to get what you bought for free.

I told a coffee maker that a frog was in my coffee beans and when they asked if I still had the frog I told them he hopped away. I called Stouffers in a voice that sounded like William Faulkner imitating Foghorn Leghorn wanting to know why the 96oz Party Size lasagna was “as sorry as a Chinese dinner on Thanksgivin’”.

Fast Food - In the interest of conservation, I sometimes take advantage of that lowest of the low lying fruit. The easiest way to get free fast food is through the drive through. I order something like any other customer and get one or two things added or omitted from the norm. Then when I drive up to the second window I have leverage in the fact that the food is made and there are cars behind me. When I tell the person at the window that I should have a credit for the order from the night manager, they usually give it up with little to no resistance.  

Calls from the corporate office - Chain restaurants make it easy to take advantage of the corporate structure. They all have regional or corporate managers so all I have to do is call one and find out that person’s name. Then I call another restaurant in the chain and claim to be the regional manager. This rarely fails because everyone in the place knows this man’s name, but not his voice.

So I sharply inform the person that picks up the phone that another store messed up this big order for an important customer. I go on to explain that the customer is so mad that he refuses to go back to that location. I bark the order out at them to create urgency and instruct the staff to kiss the customers ass when he comes to pick up the order.

Walk your cart out - I take the least comfort in this deed because it is not a scam, it’s just outright theft. Then again, these are desperate times. With a pocket full of plastic bags from prior visits I quickly and discretely get the items I need and bag them in the cart where no one can see. Then I just walk the cart right out the door confidently knowing that if all my items are bagged it looks like I paid for them.  

Also, If you know of any Super Bowl parties coming up, let me know. I’d love to crash.