Mad Atoms

Don’t get me wrong. Porn is great. Really, it is. But there’s nothing that can’t be made better with a few tweaks and adjustments here and there. (Except chocolate éclairs, which are completely perfect in every way.) So here are seven small nips-and-tucks Porn Valley should make to porn that would make it even better than it already is.  

1. Get rid of the male “Oh Face” - This is the moment that’s reserved for actual legitimate porn – with scripts and awful acting and boom operators who look like Philip Seymour Hoffman – just before the male actor is about to bring the scene to its inevitable conclusion, usually all over his co-star’s face. For whatever reason, right before the end, the editor chooses to cut to a close-up of the man’s face showcasing his immense pleasure at the proceedings, usually with a grimace that’s a cross between an angry ninja and someone instantly becoming retarded. The point is, this is an awful image to see right before the viewer, himself, finishes. It’s the porn equivalent of rape. Please remove it.  

2. Let’s tone these cocks down a bit - For decades, women who grew up playing with Barbie dolls were given an image of the female body they’d never be able to live up, leading to a multitude of eating disorders, plastic surgery, and low self-esteem.

In the same way, the men of today are given unrealistic expectations of their penis size because it’s not 12 inches, black, or able to squirt gallons of sperm further than a Super Soaker 300. There’s no telling how much angst males experience when they look down their pants and see nothing but your average, run-of-the-mill six-incher. So let’s start hiring actors with average penis size. The huge-donged can stay – no one’s advocating the loss of jobs here – but there’s plenty of roles for the average-lengthed.

3. Bring back the Porn ‘Stach - And I don’t mean “ironic mustaches”. There’s nothing worse than hipster pornstars. It’s tough to jerk off when you’re constantly punching your computer screen.  

4. Porn doesn’t have to use every advancement in technology - A generally-held belief is that porn has always been on the forefront of new technology. When the battle between Beta and VHS was waged in the 80s, the latter won because porn got behind it after seeing how cheap it was to produce. Same with DVDs and eventually, the Internet. But now that high-def is becoming mainstream and 3-D is making a comeback, it’s time for porn to calm the fuck down. A lot of the actors and actresses in porn are, to say it kindly, a bit beat up. Let’s leave something to the imagination. Especially when Smell-O-Vision is invented.

5. Do we really need to see deep inside everyone’s asshole? - If I wanted to see that, I wouldn’t have dropped out of proctology school.

6. Label porn more clearly - Stop me if you’ve heard this before: You see short, somewhat blurry video of a man bending over a female in doggy style formation. You’re about knuckle deep into your own process when the cameraman zooms out a bit to reveal that the actress on the receiving end really has himself some cock and balls. You were tricked into jerking off to tranny porn! Does that make you gay? A simple, definitive method of categorizing porn would solve this problem and keep a multitude of teenagers from questioning their sexuality.  

7. Stop all Asian-produced porn - They’re a bunch of sick fucks.