Mad Atoms

Welcome to manhood.  You can drink beer, get tried as an adult, and buy porn without your mom finding out.  Remember when you used to have to lurk around the internet for hours while your folks were asleep and secretly jerk off to 10 second preview videos from porn sites, cause you didn’t have your own credit card? 

Wait, you still do that and you have your own credit card?   

I know it’s tempting to stay on the “internet porn scavenger” track, because it’s free and you’ve done it since you were 12.  However, I’ve learned that there are serious advantages to paying a reasonable monthly fee for a site. 

1.  Your time is money.  The hours you spend searching for measly scraps of "good enough" porn can be used to make video game related arts and crafts to sell on your blog, or to apply for an actual job.

2.  The search for free porn is frustrating, and can cause headaches, muscle tension and a stressful evening of ultimately no masturbation.  For this reason, hopefully someday porn will be covered by medicare.

3.  Quality sites let you blow up the image full screen.  So then hook the computer up to your TV and you’ve got a library of broadcast quality pornos without having to own the physical DVD of “Tisha’s Bootygasm,” which will be thrown away by a girlfriend*. 

4.  You BitTorrent a porn DVD, but the file encoding got fucked up and it won’t open.  It was a 4 GB file and not a lot of people were seeding it, so you wasted time and computing power, which could have gone into that video game crafts blog of yours, “Stitcher Mario Bros.” 

5.  There’s a feeling of accomplishment that comes with being able to outright pay for porn, like when you make payments on a house or win a series of arguments with against your girlfriend.


The choice is yours, but I’ll tell you, a porn site subscription is a luxury you can afford.  And now that I’ve splooged out another internet list piece, I’d better find a paper towel. 

*Who claims she likes porn while dating, then changes her mind when the relationship solidifies.  Boo!