When I moved to the LA area, I settled in the San Fernando Valley not because of the moderate housing prices, the manageable traffic or the lighter crime statistics. No, I did it for the porn.
Chatsworth. Sherman Oaks. Van Nuys. These were the magical places I'd seen listed in the credits of every American porn movie of the past 20 years. I envisioned an American Amsterdam, with cock-shaped mail boxes on every corner and schools named after adult film legends (John Holmes Elementary & Day Care Center).
Imagine my surprise, then, when I strutted through the streets of Chatsworth in my ass-less chaps and found business names like Public Storage, Jiffy Lube and Quality Inn & Suites, when porn-themed names like Pubic Storage, Jiffy Boob and Quality Inn & Out & Inn & Out are so obvious, they practically write themselves. Even Box City was frustratingly pun-free -- not to mention downright rude when I inquired about the Minge of the Day.
The Valley has to get over this self-loathing. How's anyone supposed to know they're standing in the Mecca of porn when everything is so flaccid? They're acting like it's the capital of meth labs or To Catch a Predator arrests when in reality it should be the biggest, ballsiest red-light district in the world.
All that’s needed is a little pride and some well-placed exhibitionism.
...And a theme park. Disneyland is too far away to drive from the Valley anyway, so why not build another one up north? PornoDisney: with rides dedicated to sexual positions ("You must be this tall to ride The Piledriver.") and free AIDS tests for all. At least that would explain why all the mascots are bottomless.
