Back in the day, life lessons like "Wear clean underwear" or "Never leave bruises" could keep you out of hot water, but in this modern age, a more techno-savvy rule of thumb is needed: "Always bring a video camera." Cameras legitimize even the hinkiest of situations, turning potential embarrassment or incarceration into fame and/or fortune.
Situation #1: So, you like streetwalkers. Who doesn't? John Q. Law, that's who. Getting The Man off your back is as easy as one simple equation:
* Prostitution (Illegal!) + video camera = porn (Legal!).
Filming your sordid Motel 6 fling turns a sex crime into low art.
Situation #2: Is Jodie Foster sending you subliminal messages again? Does she secretly want you to follow her every move, no matter what those restraining orders say? Well…
* Stalking (Illegal!) + video camera = paparazzi (Legal!).
Situation #3: Poor guy. Not even the skanky burnout girls at school will give you the time of day. The solution:
* Girls who would never go about with a dork like you + video camera = girls fighting over a dork like you because they think they’re on a dating show.
Situation #4: You’ve got all the teen angst of the Columbine kids, but you lack the dedication and firepower. Why not get your frustration out on video?
* Social retard - inhibitions + web cam = YouTube superstar.
Make sure your venting and/or pathetic display of coordination is as authentic a train wreck as possible in order to maximize replayability.
Situation #5: Face it, ex-star of some show from the ‘80s, your best days are behind you. Ninety percent of your fan base is ironic. Try this on for size:
* Wilting celebrity status + drunken stupor + cheeseburger + video camera = renewed celebrity status.
Situation #6: You and everyone in your entire upper-crust clique are complete tools. Your families have interbred so many times over the generations that you’re probably dating your half-sister. You have no talent, no technical skills and nothing to offer the world other than a trust fund and Brandon Davis’s phone number...and a video camera.
* Douchebag high school cliques + video camera = hit MTV show.
