Mad Atoms

When the record store finally goes the way of the dinosaur, a pop culture cliché will go with it: the record store clerk, immortalized in the film High Fidelity. He is ugly. He is patronizing. And even though he earns only 8 bucks an hour, he makes us regret every decision we’ve ever made.

When the record store dies, who will fill this vital role in our society? Some possibilities:

Sushi Chefs

Sushi Chefs have hundreds of unwritten rules of behavior when you sit at the sushi bar- what to order, what to put wasabi on, what to put soy sauce on, how to drink saké. Ask for a fork and they laugh at you. Answer your phone and they look at you like you're a child molester.

And don’t even think about substituting. "Can I get cucumber instead of guacamole?" If that look they’re giving you is familiar, it’s the same one you got when you bought an R.E.M. album at Amoeba. 

iPod Genius Bar "geniuses"

First, they’ll keep you waiting for a half hour. Then they’ll ask you a hundred questions. Finally, they fix the problem. Instead of being gracious about it, they treat the problem as a personal deficiency of yours, like when you didn’t know that Nick Drake was in the folk section. The asshole at the counter just had to point out that you were only buying it cause you heard Pink Moon in that Volkswagon commercial.

(Note: the Mac geniuses, on the other hand, are quite helpful. They’re more like doctors, who keep you waiting but then save your life.)

That Long-Haired Asshole at Cinefile

I don’t know if that guy still works there, or if he’s the owner. Maybe he got a haircut, I haven’t been there since I moved to Hollywood. What an asshole that guy is. I mean, you’d think I’d get a little respect for renting films by Werner Herzog and Hal Ashby. But no. I’m just some dilettante who doesn’t know his Ozu from his Ozon. I thought the French guy’s name was Ozu, ok? It’s an easy mistake to make.

[Editor’s Note: I once wanted to pick up a quick shot there for a no budget viral video thing. The dickhead manager at Cinefile actually wanted us to give him $100. Instead we went to Blockbuster, strode through the front with a camera, stole the shot, and walked out.]