Mad Atoms

You can find absolutely anything on the internet. Most people would say ‘pretty much anything’, but they’re not giving this series of interconnected fart tubes its due. If you look hard enough, the webernets really does have everything; the worst part is realizing that almost all of it is terrible. And now, thanks to a simple little service that tries to put on a cute face, everything bad on the internet is in one quiet little place: twitter. 

Face it, techfags and hipster sluts, deep in your murderous heart, you know  it’s true. Twitter combines everything awful that the internet has to offer in one convenient little package. It even crashes enough to be annoying, but is smarmy enough to provide you with a fail whale when it happens. God you’re evil, twitter. 

Let’s see... does twitter have stalkers, like every social networking platform out there? You better believe it. Twitter feeds are open for anyone to see, without registering. The site's mantra also asks 'what are you doing?', which basically answers the question that stalkers are always asking in the first place. Thanks to twitter, a new breed of fat, lazy stalkers can follow every moment of your lol-ing life, beat off to TwitPics of that cute sweater you’re wearing today, all without leaving the comfort of their hemorrhoid donut. You’ll be like a porn star, without even knowing it!

And in case you needed further proof that only the coolest of people on the internet use new technology like twitter, consider the link spammer. Imagine what a party would be like if the only people you invited were Nigerian scam artists, people trying to sell you stuff, and robots who only know how to tell you where to go on the internet. And they won’t stop tapping you on the shoulder, 140 characters at a time. Tinyurl.com used to be about masking gay porn site links and sending them to your friends at inopportune moments; now it’s just another unwilling pawn in the never-ending game of Shitting on the Internet. 

Maybe knowledge isn’t really power at all, if the only thing you ever learn is what your douchy tech friends are doing with their night. Here’s a hint: it’s not being social in a public place, that’s for sure. It was bad enough when Facebook went this route last year with their status updates, but do we really need an independent program that only lists the most mundane moments of our existence? At least with Facebook there’s the chance you could be interested in someone’s status, because you presumably know your ‘friends’. With Twitter, you’re getting CONSTANT updates, but mostly from people you’ve never met Or even worse - companies. Ideally, if you’re reading this you have a resting heart rate somewhere above zero, you shouldn’t actually give a shit about Mattress Warehouse tweeting a sale on futons.

And perhaps the most disgusting part of Twitter is it’s most basic: it is a chatroom. A quick check of the calendar reveals that it’s not 1995. Yet twitter allows in the same riffraff that early chatrooms attracted, but without any of the moderation, or the ability to spend more than 140 characters wording up trolls and goons.  

Sigh. 

I thought we were better than this internet. I really thought we had something for a minute there.

[Editor's note: Um, be sure to follow us at twitter.com/madatoms]