Mad Atoms

A glutton like me was obviously interested when I heard about the “AM/PM All You Can Eat Pavilion” at Dodger Stadium. A $25 ticket for all-you-can-eat Dodger dogs, nachos, peanuts, popcorn and soda was like I got a golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s factory, except hold the sugar and add the grease.

When I arrived early for batting practice (Because that’s what REAL baseball fans do. That and I had already pounded my beers in the parking lot) there were hundreds of unaccompanied Mexican children running around everywhere. It was like Lord of the Flies, except they wouldn’t start eating each other until the nacho cheese ran out.

I started eating about an hour before the game and don’t remember my hands being empty the whole game. The crowd in my section started off very energetic and lively. In fact, they successfully started about twenty “waves” and were integral for heckling Ken Griffey Jr.

But then the junk food set in and a calm struck the right field bleachers. This gave me a chance to notice that the only white people in the stands were my group of friends and the group of frat boys from USC still trying to start a “wave.” Do white people just not like free food? Maybe minorities, specifically Mexicans, just know a great deal when they see one (like myself).

Towards the end of the game, they handed out the leftover Dodger dogs in bags of sixteen. What are people going to do with so many hot dogs that will most certainly be spoiled by the morning? Why, start chucking them over the opposing team’s bullpen into the other sections and watch them feed on free food like a pack of ravenous dogs. Not surprisingly, watching people get arrested is much more fun than baseball is, especially when it involved hot dogs as projectile weapons.

 By the end I had eaten three Dodger dogs, two bags of peanuts, three nachos, one bag of popcorn, two sodas and three large beers (extra cost). I later found out why I was the only white person in the crowd: I was constipated for over two days, followed by two days of the opposite symptoms (see: blowing ass like a T-Shirt air gun). While minorities have relentlessly conditioned their stomachs to take these types of foods, my salad-eating Caucasian stomach went into shock and stopped working for two days.

They don’t usually charge $7 for a hot dog to be dicks; they’re doing it for your own safety.