Mad Atoms

The movie Adam depicts a romance between a “normal” young woman and a guy with Asperger’s Syndrome. In the theater, between wiping away bouts of teary snot, I got to wondering – could I date a guy with a disability? And then I realized many men I’ve dated have been far more fucked up than most people with diagnosed afflictions… 

THOMAS - Heteroamnesia

Thomas was lanky, unshaven, brilliant, and robustly gay. He loved to dance to Gaga. He loved to prod ignorant meatheads into saying something homophobic and then bask in the awkward post-homosexuality-reveal glow. I loved him so, and when he slipped his hand onto my leg one hazy night, I went with it. A few weeks later we happened again. And then again. And again. And then one day when I ask him to be my date to a friend’s wedding he blurts out, “Yeah, but you know I’m gay, right?” 

JOEY - Orgasmophrenia

Joey did not have a very exciting bedroom repertoire, but he had a very active imagination. Every time we hooked up for more than maybe 5 minutes, without fail, even if I had made no Meg Ryan-esque moanings, even if I was still fully clothed, Joey would assume I’d orgasmed.

Bewildered and confused, I couldn’t muster up the courage to mention our miscommunication for weeks. When I finally did, Joey was so pissed at me for “faking it” that he dumped me.

RICK - KleptoAlcoholManicism

We first started dating when he woke up in my apartment one morning and assumed we’d hooked up the night before. We hadn’t. Everyone knows you shouldn’t date a drunk but, here in our troublesome youth, we’re all kind of drunks, right? We only dated for two and half weeks, at which point I realized my stocked (thank you grandpa, may you rest in peace) liquor cabinet was completely empty. And without the booze, the relationship just wasn’t the same. 

TONI - OCDD (Obsessive Compulsive Digital Disorder)

Other than the awkward name-spelling, Toni was great. Funny, charming and emotionally effusive. At first his “Can’t wait to see you!” and “Happy half-groundhog’s day!” facebook wall comments were cute, but after about the 16^th “Looks like you had fun!” my friend pointed out that his dedicated doting was bullshit. Or, more accurately, piss. Territory-marking piss.

When I attempted to discretely remove his markings, he accelerated - commenting on the comments of friends, tagging me in photos I absolutely was not in, and liking things I KNEW he did not like at all. In real life, Toni was great, but OCDD is too contagious. My facebook-stalker-stalking got out of control and we had to break up. 

TRISTAN - Postgradophilia

When I was 22, I dated a man who was 36. Actually, from about 21 to 23, I was courted by a lot of guys in the 34-42 range. At the time it seemed harmless and fun, and not identifiable as a trend. But at 25, I can’t remember the last time I was hit on by a Gen-Xer. This weekend, I looked critically around the bar and noticed that most of the oldishman bar-goers were after post-grads. But I guess I get it. When I think about the things I was willing to do at 22, I can’t really blame them at all.